Source
r/OCPoetry•
deliriouslydani

once upon a time

Poem

Trigger warning ⚠️ • Drugs • Addiction . . .

Don't lie to me, you're back on that shit, I can see it in your eyes

You been wearing long sleeves and heavy makeup, whatcha tryna' hide?

You're usually so put together but lately it's like you've been coming untied

You've been acting irrational, switching between moods like you're Jekyll and Hyde

I saw the picture you posted late last night, it was cute but shouldn't you be sleeping?

And I've watched you turn away food all week, why the fuck aren't you eating?

What happened to hanging out almost every single day, why are we barely speaking?

You keep saying there's too much going on, but really you're too busy tweaking.

Missed out on your little sister's birthday to stay home and get high on that dope

You should have been there for her, celebrating life and getting high off of hope

I thought you were walking a straight line, but I guess you ran out of rope

Can't understand why you keep acting like getting loaded is the only way to cope

You say you're not hurting nobody but yourself, why are you wasting my time?

Im sorry to inform you but your drug addiction is not a victimless crime.

You say I wouldn't understand your darkness because my world is made of sunshine

But that was before you taught me the pain of loving an addict, once upon a time

-Dani-

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xjpyq3/for_belle/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xjw6jb/september_7th_2019/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Sep 21, 2022, 2:19 PM UTC · edited

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1
WillowInSpring•

Thanks for sharing Dani. I'm new to critiquing poetry, so I hope this is helpful. I like the use of rhyme to divide the poem into sections even though it is only one stanza. This poem feels like a journey, from the speaker recognizing the relapse in lines 1 through 4, to concern for their loved one in lines 5 through 8, to disappointment because of how the relapse impacts others in lines 9 through 12, to how it is impacting the speaker in lines 13 through 16. The lines "You should have been there for her, celebrating life and getting high off of hope. I thought you were walking a straight line, but I guess you ran out of rope" really stuck with me. It is a powerful image of the speaker's disappointment and how the relapse is impacting them and others.

I think changing nobody to everybody in "You say youre not hurting nobody but yourself, why are you wasting my time?" would improve readability, but I'm not sure if that was a deliberate stylistic choice. I also want to kindly point out that turned should probably be changed to turn in "And I've watched you turned away food all week, why the fuck aren't you eating?"

1
deliriouslydaniOP•

Thank you for such wonderful feedback! I fixed my error, and am grateful for you pointing it out! How embarrassing! Also, the choice to use "nobody" is a stylistic choice, though I will read through and consider your input. I had a specific sound for the poem. When I read it, I read it like lyrics to a rap. If I was musically inclined, I'd turn this into a song. Thank you again!

1
deliriouslydaniOP•

Instagram :

Danisdedications

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