Thank you sooo much for the suggestions. Will def take these into account!

I find this poem striking and dramatic. Overall, I really appreciate the imagery it creates in my mind's eye; I can *feel* it as much as I can see it.  

That being said, the one thing that really didn't feel quite right to me is "patter of rain." I think "patter" is just too gentle a word for what you're describing. If it's washing away everything in its path, is it really a patter? I might've used "the pounding of rain" for better context, or even "the thunder of rain" to be a little playful with the language while still expressing its severity.

As for lines you are questioning, I'll make some suggestions just to hopefully get you thinking. This is your piece, so I don't want to come across as overly critical (especially since I really love this poem).  

> And turns my senses into an abyss  

"Until my senses are empty" could simplify the line without stealing away its meaning.  

> I cannot escape

Because of the way the following two lines contrast "cry" with "live" and "day" wit


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

**A Starless Dance** (A Sweet Romance)

It lives in me 

like a passionate cloud.

A visage,

A temperament,

I can hear its sound. 

Like the patter of rain 

Washing away

everything in its path,

whisked away

And turns my senses into an abyss\*

I cannot escape\*

I cry by night

I live by day

Roaming around like a cat,

A stray

Deepening thoughts

swirl in my head 

They follow the sound of silence 

A moment away\*

A pattern,

A dance, 

A liberating stance. 

A march for the ages

A remembrance.

\[And a\] fire in the soul

warm and bright 

Lights up the opaqueness

of this starless night. 

&amp;#x200B;

\*Lines that I'd like the most feedback on or that I feel like the wording needs some work 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xn29ao/comment/ips8avy/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xn29ao/comment/ips8avy/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xmsthv/comment/ips8mwk/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xmsthv/comment/ips8mwk/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

A Starless Dance (A Sweet Romance)