Source
r/OCPoetry•
Difficult-Frame5993

Before it all

Poem

Before it all

the horizon blurs

in and out of focus

The vivid cerulean sky and white clouds smear together

her beautiful blonde ringlets chase after her contagious smile

as laughter bubbles up from her soul

this is the vision I have in my head of myself before I saw the world for what it was

this was me before it all

​

1 2

​

This is my first post on here. I am a brand new poet but I have been getting a lot of great feedback and doing a ton of research to continue to build my skills. I am currently crafting four 'first' poems for four different stories and then getting some feedback on which one I should move forward with. This poem is the beginning of a story on self love and self growth. Thank you so much for giving it a read. Any other advice on how to approach writing poetry is welcome! Thank you

Posted Sep 26, 2022, 1:11 AM UTC

33
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
beeviinew•

Hey there, nice poem! I appreciate the stab at the cynicism of life, indicated by "Before it all" both as the title and as the last phrase. There's that fleeting sense of nostalgia and regret that I felt reading it.

Though there are a few lines that don't roll off the tongue so smoothly when reading. The third (starting with "the vivid..."), fourth ("her beautiful..."), and sixth ("this is the...") lines are guilty of this. These lines are a bit longer than the rest, and I couldn't find a consistent flow as a result. Maybe consider the use of more punctuation to separate sentences and help with structure.

Other than that, nice work, and thanks for sharing!

1
NotRocks_ButMinerals•

First off, great job for executing wonderful imagery with such few lines. The idea of self reflection is very intriguing with me and I love dabbling with changes in perspective. The only things I can comment on are some of your word choices feel as though they could be condensed down a bit to flow better. I love reading unstructured poetry if every word matters. If there's a replacement word that better suits 2 or 3 words, it's often a better option - not always - but often.

"This is the vision I crafted of/for myself..."

Just a thought since "I have in my head" is implied with the words "myself" and "vision".

Stellar job, my friend. Keep it up and I look forward to reading more 😁

1