Thanks! Please do give me more feedback, I would really appreciate it. Regarding your comment here, in the first mention Jerome’s skin is turning blue (a real symptom of silicosis, btw), noticeably. In the second instance the kobold notices Denis’s skin turning blue, not noticeable because he’s still a child and not yet in the mines. In the third instance Therese observes Jerome’s skin, which again because he is older, works in the mines and has longer exposure, is noticeable and getting worse. I’ll try to clean it up so the difference between when I’m referring to Jerome and when I’m referring to Denis is clear.

I like this story a lot and have been reading every improved version, you’re doing great work here! I’ll attempt to come back and leave proper critique but i just had to point out one thing which I have noticed- you say Jerome’s skin is turning blue, then later you say only the kobold could tell Jerome’s skin is turning blue, and then later Therese also notices- that’s pretty inconsistent and I found it distracting.

Your suggestion for an exercise isn't condescending at all. On a writing skills level, this story is an experiment for me to stretch my character development, and it is the first time I've tried to develop in a significant way more than two characters in a single short story. So, it's no surprise I have a lot of work to do still, and that exercise is a great recommendation.

Your line edits aren't brutal either, they are the tone I expect and hope for, and the tone that is most useful for making the next draft better. I know it is a lot of work to provide detailed line edit feedback, and I really appreciate all of the effort you put into it. Your feedback will make a big difference for me.

Regarding the flour (I believe that was one of your line edits), this detail came from a Washington Post article on cobalt mining in the Democratic Republic of Congo (big reveal: that's the setting for the story). The reporter at one point recounts a family not being able to buy flour because they h

Well, this was a treat. There is thought and care given to the sentence structure, and the word choice, and the whole thing-- the prose-- it reads well. I like it. I've gone and done some extensive line edits in the doc under the name "wgoops". Please read them. My line edits are kind of brutal lmao but this piece is good enough that broad sweeping comment won't  really do as much as line edits.

Anyways, this isn't a full critique. Also I'm going to do a very rare thing and speak directly to you, the author. This is usually a bad idea but I think you specifically will benefit from it a lot. Here's just some stuff I'd recommend thinking about and work on:

&#x200B;

* The sentence structure is pretty decent. I like it. The biggest problem is with shoving too much imagery into too small a space-- instead of shoving four verbs into a fifteen word description, just add a couple of sentences. It's fine, to do that.
* The narrator is  w i l d. It's a third person limited, but it just pops i

Glad I could help. I actually ended up searching colbalt mining earlier and I was pretty pleased to see the images I had of the setting was pretty close to the google image pictures lol. 

That's a pretty powerful ending to go for. Better than any of the ideas of what I thought it could be. It's like a toxic relationship. Makes me feel foolish for being attached to such a thing. Maybe foolish in the same way that Denis probably feels by the end. 

Yeah I should still be hanging around here by then so I'll check out a new version when I see it posted.

This is great, thank you very much! I wrote the part about Therese's grief new for this draft, so I was hoping for feedback specifically on that section--I'm really glad you focused in on it. Self-harm as an expression of grief is common in a lot of cultures, so in that sense (as you point out) it isn't unrealistic. But, really lean into it with the metaphors, and I was wondering whether it was over the top. You confirmed that it was, I'm going to scale it back a bit in the next draft. The same applies to the description of Denis's grief in that section. It's not a superhuman origin story :-), just some super over-the-top metaphors out of control. I'm not the best with conveying emotion, and I tend to err on the side of being completely flat or completely extreme...

About the ending, the intention is pretty straightforward. With Jerome dead, the family's dreams to rise above their circumstances by providing an education for Denis are ruined, and Denis will go to the mines and his life

#PLOT/STRUCTURE/PACING

Kolbold the colbalt consuming creature can't be seen by her best friend Jerome now that he's older, but she still endeavors to guide him safely through the dangers of colbalt mining life. Jerome provides for his family while trying to convince his son that he should live a different life. 

Solid pacing and structure. Didn't feel like any particular section was wasted space.  


#Overall Impressions

A solid excerpt conveying an interesting sliver of perspective, putting the reader in the shoes of third-world laborers. I don't know how you got the Kobald idea but it's in here and gives this piece so much more charm for NO reason. It really elevates the impact and memorability of the story. Because I think you have a great thing going here, just in that you can spread further empathy/awareness to people completely removed from the realities of what makes their own personal world go round. And without Kobald, this piece would feel much more generic and by the numb

Heyo Acha. I'ma just get into it. FUCK the guidelines.

#Some Line by Line Impressions

The opening paragraph is nice, descriptive enough, and a good way to introduce the creature. Though I didn't understand the formatting of the "Cobalt: Kobold."

The omniscient POV here works for me. And the attachment is gotten across efficiently. It's an interesting angle, like a reverse-imaginary friend. Also feels a bit tragic in some respects, which does make me feel some investment in the situation already.

The conflict comes out of the gate hot in the second page, maybe almost too blunt, but it works to set the stage as to what it's gonna be about.


> “My life’s not my own. The mine controls me. The men who came from outside and set up shops in town to buy cobalt from us—they control me. The men who own warehouses in the city, the men who own corporations in another country—they control me without even knowing I exist.”

I really like how you get this across. A perspective from someone who I

Thanks--this is very helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to come back and provide me with more feedback, and feedback that gives me something specific to work on. I'm going to start diving into the next draft soon, this will definitely have an influence on how I approach it.

Exploit the unique narrative style you've used. You touch on this way in the end, when you create 3rd person helplessness in the scene of the father dying. This adds a lot more impact to the scene, because the reader is guided along on what to feel through the third person that they're accompanying.

Incorporate vulnerable moments between characters to create realistic yet private interactions. This creates a connect to the characters, working similarly to how people become much closer after sharing secrets between them. Moreover, due to your unique 3rd person, you can more easily create a convincing reason as to why you can show the reader these exceedingly private and vulnerable moments without it being forced, which is a very powerful advantage. 

I would personally repeat the motivation of the father a bit more in more than one place, emphasizing one time how he feels being forced by circumstance to work this dangerous dead end job, and another time emphasizing the dangerous mental

Not a critique, but I can highlight an issue and potential fix for you. Your piece deals with heavy topics that deserve depth and effort put into them. Although you've got the effort down, the story reads too much like a government PSA commercial rather than an emotionally rich story. The core issue with your piece is that you don't make us care enough about anything or anyone - no character is fleshed out enough, for one. Second, you don't take advantage of having a 3rd person narrative that manages to also be as close to the characters as a 1st person - vulnerable moments, 2nd hand empathy, etc can be incorporated to make us care about these characters. Also, some pieces don't fit. The boy's interactions with the kobald do not make sense. Kids don't ignore mythical creatures.

Hello again! You've been with me all along the way with this one, I really appreciate it. You've been more than generous, and I'm indebted to you. I really like your suggestion about changing the intro, and in fact I've already incorporated it into the fourth draft (which I just posted...). Good point about the dialogue needing to move the story forward too, I appreciate that comment and it will give me something to think about long after this story is done. I restructured that section of dialogue into a different place in the story where hopefully it serves a different purpose in moving along the narrative, we'll see how that goes.

Bonobos. Now that would be a completely different direction :-).

Hello! I saw your message, and I'm back for another critique. Sorry it took me a while.

**Title:**

Maybe I'm biased now, having read three versions, but I liked the original title better. The original title was more interesting for me, and it broadcasted that this is a fantasy story. The new title doesn't really tell me anything about the story. The cyan wildflowers only mark cobalt deposits, and they’re not important to the story. Whereas, the whole story is about the kobold's gift of this preternatural ability to discover cobalt. If you were concerned about the confusion between “kobold” and “goblin” and “cobalt”, I still think that a short sentence talking about how the names all derive from the same root word would help clear any confusion up. I mentioned that people coming from a D&D background might be confused about the relationship between kobolds and goblins, but you can easily clarify that. The reader will allow you to build your own fantasy world, you don't need to worry a

Hi,

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, I've been working on the fourth draft... You are absolutely right, and apparently a mind-reader too, because the fourth draft follows the kobold from start to finish and is all seen from her perspective (well, I might have still slipped a little here and there, but I'm trying). I really appreciate your feedback, it had a big impact on a complete re-envisioning of the intro and conclusion, and the conclusion especially I'm hoping is much stronger for it (I just got my first feedback on draft 4, apparently the intro still has some work to do. Sigh--it never ends.) Thanks very much!

**Opening Comments**

Generally, I understood your story, didn’t notice any glaring plot holes, and enjoyed the flow, so great job! My biggest issue is within the plot/characterization, which I thought was a little basic and overused for my own taste, but further down in the comment, I include an idea that could keep the entire story but turn the point of view over just a tad to where it feels completely fresh.

**Line By Line**

>probing with her mind into the soil above the ceiling

The “with her mind” line took me out, but that may be a personal issue.

**Dialogue**

I thought the dialogue was fine, but it didn’t necessarily give me anymore information than I couldn’t already infer about the characters based on their roles in the house, age, etc. It could have potentially been more impactful to me if you had skipped dialogue altogether and explained each exchange in a sentence. Additionally, I really thought the cell phone conversation seemed overkill. It didn’t bring anything new t

Hi,

Thank you for reading! I wish this world came only from my imagination, but unfortunately it is a reality for many people working in the family-scale (what sometimes is called by the atrocious term "artisinal") cobalt mining industry. The majority of the world's cobalt comes from the Democratic Republic of Congo, and that is the setting for this story. In many rural areas in Africa (and other parts of the world), even access to basic healthcare is difficult, and there is no health insurance, nor are there social welfare structures upon which to rely. It isn't uncommon for people to make only $2-3/day, and not only can they not afford health care when it is available, but they also can't afford protections like lawyers. But even if someone in Jerome's family's situation could afford a lawyer, it would be impossible to effectively bring a lawsuit against any of the companies, etc. which are ultimately causing their problems, or to prove culpability. If something goes wrong, they're 

**GENERAL REMARKS**

I find the universe you created to be fascinating. After reading your chapter, I have many questions about the legal system, location, and infrastructure.  These inquiries are down below.

**MECHANICS**

What does your novel's title, 'Where the Cyan Wildflowers Grow' mean? From the title alone, it's difficult for me to determine what genre your book falls in. On the second page, Jerome claims that other, wealthier guys control his destiny and that his life isn't his own. That part seemed to go on forever.

>“My life’s not my own. The mine **controls me**. The men who came from outside and set up shops in town to buy cobalt from us—they **control me**. The men who own warehouses in the city, the men who own corporations in another country—they **control me** without even knowing I exist.”

**SETTING**

The primary characters are from the working class and live in a mining village with significant poverty and economic inequality. Jerome wants his son to become upward

Hi,

This is the third draft of this story. It has benefitted from two previous rounds of r/DestructiveReaders critiques (thanks to all the previous readers!), and hopefully it is getting somewhere. You don't need to be familiar at all with the previous two drafts to read it. Thank you in advance for taking a look. Any feedback is deeply appreciated! Comments are enabled, feel free to add them.

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/120bD4UrvrqfinxsxzfuqQRA4nALIVUEO/edit?usp=sharing&amp;ouid=108272648249610433566&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true](https://docs.google.com/document/d/120bD4UrvrqfinxsxzfuqQRA4nALIVUEO/edit?usp=sharing&amp;ouid=108272648249610433566&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true)

My crits:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/xm7hur/2984\_tarnished\_pt\_1/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/xm7hur/2984_tarnished_pt_1/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/xqqj5d/3665\_nature\_paradox/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/xqqj5d/3665_nature_paradox/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[3224] Where the Cyan Wildflowers Grow (Goblin's Gift version 3) (standalone short story)