Managed to get sober then start up again

I did go through horrible physical withdrawals, lasted about a week and I honestly felt great. Then almost immediately started drinking again. Don’t really know why I’m posting tbh, but I’ve been reading this sub a lot and thought it was a good idea. Thing is, I really want to want to quit again but I’m just not sure I do. Even though I know that only misery and premature death is available if I keep going. I’d been sober for nearly 2 years when one of my best friends killed himself in January and, whilst that’s no excuse, it was kind of explain. I’d like to get sober in his memory but recently I’ve been cycling between periods of drinking and sobriety (more drinking really) and I just don’t know what to do. I wish there was something that could make me want to stop because so far, I haven’t been able to meaningfully convince myself that I do.

Anyway, hope everyone is else ok here’s doing well and I will try hard not to drink with you all tomorrow.