I think the author wrote too much. The first 7 lines, taken together, form a surprisingly effective little musing on this aspect of aging, with a wry little twist at the end. But then it feels like the poet wasn't confident that their joke had landed, and decided to tack on the last 3 lines of the poem. And by explaining the joke, ruined it.


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wow, this is fantastic! the way you worked that nod to dementia in near the end really gave me a sense of foreboding. all of your rhymes felt very natural - it never felt like you forced a rhyme for the sake of the scheme, which i see often. great piece!

honestly this is so great and charming. I will say that perhaps you don’t need those final two lines. “This rotten brain of mine!” is such a perfect end. While the subject matter of aging is obviously sad, something about that little twist feels like finding the charm in sadness.

Getting old is not the passing of time.

Its all the little things that break when you are younger.

Some days you wake up and feel just fine.

But the space between them is getting longer.

Your aching joints a telling sign,

that...

... I forgot the last line.

This rotten brain of mine!

The weakness inside is growing stronger.

An anxious feeling of mental decline.

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xyk936/comment/iri40is/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xyk936/comment/iri40is/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xywzi8/comment/irj7nuf/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xywzi8/comment/irj7nuf/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)