Lucy

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

A quick way to improve this piece would be formatting it. On Reddit to start a new line you have to hit space twice and then return. Honestly it’s a bit hard for me to gauge the piece’s content because it all runs together.

I think there's something interesting here but you'd have to develop it now--we get a very general sense of someone pining for someone else from a prison cell, which is initially compelling, but it feels like there's more you could develop narratively, even just through subtle implication. Why is he in a prison cell? Why does he wear her shoes--what's their relationship? I feel like an additional stanza or two to answer some of these questions and give some sort of cohesion/larger narrative question here would do a lot to elevate this.

Yeah this isn't working for me. This reads like a catcall put on paper.

you've got a really interesting basis to this poem going - the idea of someone in prison missing their lover, which i think could make a really emotional/poignant poem. however, i think your metaphors could use a little more structure to help them deliver a bit more punch. why/how is he missing them like a dog? why is he wearing her shoes? i love the ideas you have down already, and am excited to see where this poem goes!