Source
r/OCPoetry•
autisticjuly

searing throat

Poem

Broken

I am broken in the summer heat

Screaming in tongues of tangerine

I see my name on road signs

I've been expecting it for time now, but i don't know whether it'll feel like dying

Again.

But hellfire sears quite like hiding,

They don't know, I'm just finding out, silent thrill, exciting.

These years have rung in my head and it's now a month of proud silence

Abandonment, alienation, apathy, shock, and violence

I won't reveal myself just yet

But I am ready, the sun has set-

The show's just started, and here I am

Making my sweet debut of loudness

Scream it searing throat to people you've known for months, fireworks' popping kindness.

Tell your friends over text, because you know they've been expecting it

Softness, sadness, burning alive, sinning and staying quiet

So you're safe in the house of the lord, but you loudly scream it in your head.

​

( 1 & 2 )

Posted Oct 10, 2022, 11:32 PM UTC

15
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
Candid_Pipe•

I think that some punctuation is missing, maybe from copy and pasting from a word document, and also the metre is irregular, but you have a nice touch in description.

1
autisticjulyOP•

oh there's no meter lol. ty tho!

1
gillyphant•

love the last two lines - "sinning and staying quiet/so you're safe in the house of the lord, but you loudly scream it in your head" really nice theme and imagery going on there. i do think you could benefit from a bit more refinement in the language you used - for example, "loudly" is unnecessary, and i think you could rework "loudness" into something a bit more powerful. additionally, i noticed you used the words scream/screamed three times in the poem, which makes it feel a little repetitive - consider changing those to synonyms or even removing entirely. overall, i love where this poem is going!

1
autisticjulyOP•

oh yeah that's a really good point about "loudly". i'm not sure how to fix loudness or if i even should though because if i remove loudly it's only used once. it's also meant to be a double meaning with definition of loud that means "bold", because i've been sort of quiet and reserved my whole life but i'm trying to become more confident in saying things and expressing myself. thank you for your point about the word scream as well, i'll consider changing that!

1