Muting my empathy and sympathy was the best decision I've made in years

Discovering you have the right to have boundaries is absolutely life-changing. And with that realization comes the awareness of just how many dynamics in our lives are drastically imbalanced because of it. Taking control over our time and energy and making sure we invest it in relationships where there is a give and take (instead of wasting it by spending it on those who only take) is huge. Yay you for valuing yourself! Welcome to this next chapter in your life. I hope it's the best one yet. 🌻

Can you by any chance do me a favor?

Can you teach me how to do this? I’ve been told I need to learn how to be more selfish.

I can relate to every word you wrote. During my darkest times (yet) when my world collapsed, none of the people who I've been there for (some for over a decade) were there for me.

You don’t have to mute your empathy to have healthy boundaries. You just need to return the energy you’re given so the parasites don’t feast on your kindness

Like they say on the aircraft safety instructions. "Help yourself before helping others".

I always ask myself "would this person do the same for me if the positions were reversed?" (or something of equal emotional/financial/effortful value). If my answer is "no" then they get a "no"

This obviously doesn't apply to helping strangers in situations. But in our day to day lives, I have learned to say "no" when people are demanding our time, attention, money, efforts when knowing full well they have never done anything for me/my family and never would return the favour.

I also don't feel guilty, because I think THEY are the ones who should be guilty by asking for things that they would never reciprocate in a million years. But I'm older, and have seen a lot of shit - so I can give it out if I have to.

You're a whole mood. It's something I want to do as well.

Took me awhile, but I eventually found a balance. I always felt that it wasn't me-- to just not care like I do. It's a core part of who I am and I love that about myself.

But all the abuse was making me think good people never win at life.

I eventually discovered boundaries and have made a contract with myself. I must always measure how much energy I have (or 'spoons' if you're familiar with the spoon theory). If I have enough to spare, then I have to conciously weigh how much I'd care if they were ungrateful/nasty/rude to me etc. If i think, 'eh, it is what it is. I'll still do x, because it aligns with who i am and decided to be' then I may opt to extend my empathy and my energy. I may also not opt to, and just let myself sit with my empathy at home without actually putting action behind it. I must conserve my bandwidth, after all.

I had to learn that I'm not responsible for everyone and do not have to 'fix' them or their life to be loved or of worth all so I wouldn't be abandoned again and again. Took me years and therapy to finally figure out why I would constantly be this giving and never ever learn my lesson. It was because as a female in the US we are often taught we are responsible for other people's emotions and actions. Most especially if growing up in an abusive home, neglectful home, and/or abandoned. That my bio dad abusing us in his rages was NOT because of me or us and everything to do with him.

We females are also taught/get used to having our boundaries crossed quite regularly-- so much so we don't even realize it, until you finally do--many decades later.

I opted to love me. For me. Good and bad. I forgave myself for the dumb choices I've made. Now I'm what the little girl I used to be so deperately needed from her caregivers to myself now. Because no one else has or was gonna take care of her or the adult me. So I've stopped neglecting my ownself. And I changed the narrative in my head to MY voice and words-- not that of the people who abused me or the harmful messages society buries us in.

It not easy. And I've only recently got to this point after 5-6 years of hardwork on myself, my trauma, etc. Still working on me, and it won't ever end. But I can finally see how far I've come-- and I love it (mind you--I could never see how far I've come or even be kind to myself, so being able to do that now is nothing short of a miracle (my hard work I wasn't sure would actually pay off) for me.

Sit with your pain. Sit with yourself. You are allowed to be angry, be deeply anguished, and to grieve for yourself and the amount of pain and burden you carried for others. Be reactive. Be angry. Grieve. Let your pain speak--like it's doing so in your post.

After a time, decide how you can remain yourself without you going through that pain and betrayal again--assuming you decide later that you quite like your empathetic self and would like to keep it, but without the never-ending heartache.

We could use more empathy out here in the world. Don't let anyone else shut that off in you because they all keep taking advantage of you. Fuck em. That's a reflection of them, not you. But you have to live with you at the end of the day, for the rest of your life. So you need to please only yourself. And cherish yourself. 💜

It sounds like I'm who you once used to be. How do I turn into who you are now? Help out a little brother here

Period lol. I will say I’ve gotten into a similar thought space. My empathy/sympathy bone has been severely fractured. At some point, I thought people who were “down on their luck” just needed a hand up. Now, I’ve realized that a lot of them are that way because they’re actually terrible people lol. Now, I just mind my own damn business and I’m liking it.

I have no idea nor would I probably ever be able to even comprehend the pain you've gone through and I respect your decision to do things for yourself from now on.

My only wish is that someday you'll find happiness, whenever, whatever, and wherever it may be, even if you choose to never open up to your empathy and sympathy again.

Until that day comes I wish you the best in your new endeavors friend!

[deleted]

My dad and I are the same with this too. Fuck em.

Fellow 32 year old pushover here. I've tried really really hard the past few years to prioritize myself. No I will no come in early. No I will not stay late. Ect.

I still will move the Earth for those that don't make me feel used, but to all the rest it's been life changing prioritizing me over them.

Yes. Good job. I have learned this too and it feels good

Feels great, huh?

You’re so brave.

Deciding to go from doormat to selfish asshole is not going to help you feel better, just so you know. All the same, hope you feel better, it seems like something is bothering you that you still need to put in some work figuring out.

Good for you! I'm also on that journey, I hope one day I will get there.