Source
r/OCPoetry•
Snoo_10910

Bond Girl

Poem

Grasp for me
Hanging from a train
Gasping desperately
Against the rain
Our fingers strain
I reach
Escape the teeth
Of a Jurassic beast.
as missiles shriek.
Seek our body heat.
and you smell so sweet

Press me to you neat
Undress me if you need
Hand across my breath
lest I scream
hold me
Endlessly

Our lips are about to meet
This is entropy

There's a SWAT team
Hand duct taped mags for an
HK 433
BREACH
I feel like I'm asleep.
I see blood
I feel weak
Hide my eyes in your sleeve
You breathe deep
The train rolls against the sleet
And I can go into that sweet
Goodnight
As long as you feel me

Explosions gun jams and an
Indiscreet beep
More Explosions
a rum in your hand
Screams

Brakes screech
I spill my tea
All hell unleashed
And we leap

Haul me from a frozen stream
Call me your rose and sweep
me
Somehow
on my feet
Streak
across a silver screen
And snow
And I still don't know
If you'll want me
next week

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/y2jmu6/dignity/is45kqo/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/y1x8vo/fickle_time/irzwr52/

Posted Oct 13, 2022, 4:23 AM UTC · edited

3120
Concept-STFU•

I absolutely love the pacing of this poem! It’s quick and breathless and cutting, it’s easy to imagine this as a spoken word piece.

I reread it three times before I felt I could really grasp the subject of the piece, which I personally love because it gives me more time to process the chaos of the text. I started to interpret it a couple different ways the more I read it, so I’d be curious to hear what your intended focus is!

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Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you! I'm a bit unsure of the rhythm because I want it to be fast and frenetic but I'm not sure if the pacing is too choppy.

The idea is writing from the perspective of a girl in a James bond movie. Together they go through all this shit, the most horrible experiences possible.

In reality those two people would be trauma bonded for life. In the next movie that girl is gone forever.

Which brings us back to real life, because it's a metaphor for relationships

5
Concept-STFU•

Ahhh! Yes okay I love that! Based on the language, I could definitely tell it was placed in an action movie scene but I think I wasn’t quite sure from who’s perspective it was so now that makes sense! That is a really good metaphor.

I see what you mean about not being sure about the pacing, but I like how choppy it is personally. If anything, I’d just add more detail!

Thank you for replying!!

1
silkpouch•

what!!!! this is incredible!! i've never even seen a james bond movie before (terrible i know) but i felt like i was transported. i'm obsessed with the rhythm of the poem and the way it "cut" between different scenes almost frenziedly AND i love your use of assonance throughout each stanza (teeth, sweet, weak, sleeve, screech, leap, etc) and how you seemed to execute it so effortlessly! bond girls are kind of notorious for being cool and beautiful for a single movie never to be seen again, and the last stanza captures that sentiment perfectly. i would love to upvote this a dozen times, thank you so much for sharing! wishing you lots of future inspiration <3

3
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you!

I wouldn't feel bad about seeing James bond movies. Part of the inspiration for this was rewatching some and noticing how much of a white male perspective you need to have to adopt to enjoy them.

I'm glad the jagged cuts are working, I wanted to make a contrast like dreamy slow mo shots against windows exploding and gunfire.

Thank you for saying it seems effortless, you have a similar way with rhythm. I'm so glad the the last lines work as well, I wasn't sure if it needed to be more fleshed out or was better being abrupt.

I have posted another similar poem if you're interested!

I appreciate the feedback! Please send me any work you'd like to share

2
silkpouch•

you definitely succeeded with the contrasting scenes!! reading this was an emotional rollercoaster with the immediate action followed by the tender (albeit short) moment in stanza 2 then even MORE action and a final melancholy tone shift at the very end. very well executed and i'm definitely looking forward to reading more of your work!

1
silkpouch•

AHH i came back to this again and i'm still in awe! one thing i forgot to mention in my previous comment, i'm not sure if it was intentional but the word 'blast' in the first stanza feels a little out of place since all of the other ending words have similar vowel sounds. i would change it to something like 'missiles shriek' or you could even say 'missiles seek / our body heat' to keep that structure going. the poem is still amazing either way, that's just my one suggestion! thanks again for sharing this masterpiece :)

3
Snoo_10910OP•

Ooh that's so good! Missiles seek/ our body heat fits perfectly! You've added so much.

I read the poem you posted and it's fucking awesome, I love your style. I will post feedback soon.

2
Krillansavillan•

It really felt like a bond movie condensed from the starlet's point of view. The pacing was just as action packed and nearly out-of-breath, which made the line "undress me if you need" so feverently adoring as if to find a way to be useful without being a trained MI6 spy. So hot. Great job!

2
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you!

Out-of-breath is exactly what I would like this to be. I'm glad you also found that line sexy lol, I wanted to capture the action hero power dynamic with it.

I appreciate you reading and giving feedback!

2
charred_reeds•

Breath taking. No cap I was holding my breath every now and then while reading. And it wasn't even on purpose.

I LOVE the stanzas 5 & 6. We all know that tension is at its best or a scene delivers best if a fight scene interrupts the mundane/humane moments in the MC's life. Obviously frustrations runs high when we see our beloved character's tea time interrupted and so I love the way you portray that.

Another thing I love is the way you portrayed your character, that despite having a life endangering job she's still a girl with insecurities about being wanted, desired after just a week of knowing her.

2
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you! I'm glad the action is so palpable.

I'm very intentionally trying to put film tropes into writing and I'm glad you found it so resonant.

The character is very much myself, being romantic and delicate. I love things about guns and explosions and tried to be sincere about both elements. I'm glad you found it relatable.

Thank you!

2
ekeddit•

Wow, I feel like I could hear you speak this. Great slam style, kept it as fast paced and exciting with your spacing and short lines as the content itself.

2
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you! One of my biggest influences is actually Hip-Hop and I try to balance that aesthetic with my love of traditional poetry. I feel great that my voice is coming through!

It means a lot you read it!

2
ekeddit•

Enjoyed it my guy 😎

1
irelandzachary•

I loveeee the pacing and the wordplay, how the rhyming words and line length make me slow down but also have a sense of urgency. It gives it a staccato feeling to me. I love the use of the word entropy and the chaotic nature of simultaneous love and fear. It reminds me of disorganized attachment and trauma bond(lol)ing.

2
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you so much! I didn't intentionally make it so staccato, in my mind it had a lilting rhythm. Looking back it's like writing a fire alarm.

Entropy felt like the perfect word to describe not getting that kiss amid a flash of muzzle flare and the tinkle of spent casings.

That pun about bonding is so perfect I'm considering changing the title.

1
CookieBobojiBuggo•

This poem really speaks to me for some reason. It's easy, in a spoken word format almost. Its very sharp, describes the feelings and thoughts easily. The adventure is in between the lines. I love this poem!

2
Snoo_10910OP•

Thank you! I'm trying to be as accessible and relatable as possible while still doing things that are a bit showy? It makes me feel great you found it enjoyable, thanks for sharing your thoughts!

1
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