The sting of anger
A hollow cliffhanger
Endangering us all
The rage building
Pain growing beyond us
Sowing seeds of unrest
Trust slain in the name of progress
Test after test we fall farther
It's no less than our love
Father forgive me for what I'll do
Enough was too much to bear
So soon we awaken to these mistaken lines
Swearing upon our false idols
Defined by our mistakes and left forsaken
A suicide of our own making.
Snap: jdawg2-2
Posted Oct 14, 2022, 5:43 AM UTC
I really enjoyed the pace of this poem and believe it conveys the feeling of letting anger build up to a breaking point very well. A line I especially loved was,“father forgive me for what I’ll do.”
The only feedback I would give is some of the rhymes are too easy in a way. Namely, “anger” and “cliffhanger,” also “mistaken” and “forsaken.” Although this doesn’t necessarily take away from the quality of the poem, I think it would be a good challenge to come up with rhymes that are less obvious. You did this in the last two lines with “forsaken” and “making,” while they don’t rhyme perfectly I think this creates a good dissonance and gave the poem a strong ending.
I'll toy with rhymes a little more in the future. This may destroy the illusion a bit but I write these in a couple mins a piece, I don't think I just do. I wrote that because of some heavy emotions I was feeling at the time with someone I was/am really close to. Thank you for your feedback fam! I'll definitely try with rhyming a bit more. I definitely want to evolve how I naturally write, hopefully that will help a bit. Thank you for your time fam!
yea i completely understand that! i’ve written a lot of poems with heavy emotions and i’m not really thinking about how i want the poem to work in that moment cuz it’s more about the catharsis. maybe consider going back on the poems after those moments and making some edits. i didn’t used to do that but my poems tend to come out more polished when i do. But no problem i’m glad i could help somewhat.
Polished isn't my style to be fair. I want it to be gritty and ha flaws and mistakes. It makes it human. I want raw unfiltered emotion when I write. Nothing against taking time and polishing a poem. I am the same way with music, I want to hear the flaws in their voice, feel the unfiltered emotion. That's one reason Seether is one of my favorite bands. I do sometimes write poetry outside of fleeting emotions so I'll definitely try switching it up, but when it comes to overwhelming raw emotions I'll likely keep them the same. Almost like with my poem "Edens End".
of course that’s cool too i respect that style a lot
"enough was too much to bear" - I love this. Very clever.
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A very descriptive poem about letting anger stew. I think we have all been to a point in our life where we were just sick of everything.
What causes this anger in the subject of the poem is open for interpretation. It is clearly monumental as action is spoke of.
Great writing. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate that bro, honestly anger is a part of us all. Thank you for your time fam.
Anytime. Look forward to seeing more from you.