The feeling of lonely

How to describe this feeling of lonely

It’s so heavy

So fucking heavy

I can hardly breath under it

I can hardly move around in it

I can hardly speak through it

This feeling I have had

Since you decided

You would no longer care about me like that

Since you decided you would no longer touch me like that

Since you decided you would no longer lay with me anymore like that

It’s oppressive

It’s panic

It’s overwhelming

It’s caught in my throat

It’s hurting my heart

I feel so alone

So incredibly left alone

You were here

Then you disappeared

But worse you didn’t

You stand next to me now

You touch without touching

It’s so much worse

It’s like so many things

Together but separate

Near but distant

The negative space between us

You have withdrawn

Decided

And I don’t like your choice

And I cannot make sense of it

And I cannot feel it because it is too much

So I push it away

So I ignore it

Even though I can’t ignore it

Because you still feel good

And horrible

I see you

And I don’t know what to do

So I grin

And I bear it

And I reel

There’s no one to hold on to

Which isn’t true

This is:

There’s no one that feels like you

Your comfort and safety

And potential

Which isn’t there anymore

And I want to be near you

And being near you hurts so much

Because you shut me off

And I can’t reach you even

When your hands are rubbing my shoulders

Or my head rests on your shoulder

And there’s others I love to lean into

Who hold me

But I have shut myself off

Because it’s more than I can bear

But not as much as I’d like

And it’s the opposite of what I want

And everything feels off and wrong now

Even you

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