I feel stuck and like a child

Hi, I am a 23 year old woman who feel so damn stuck in life. I got my PTSD diagnosis in 2019, in the country that I live in we do not have CPTSD as a diagnosis yet but my doctor has told me that I have it. This is my story:

My childhood was very ruff, my mom controlled everyone in the family and everything revolved around her, her phobias, her hoarding, fears, anxiety and anger. She started beating me when I was about 3 years old, often locked me in a room and took out the lightbulb, didn´t give me food as punishment, kept me waiting on the toilet for help until I was freezing so much that my fingers and toes started to become blue, I wore dipers to the age 6 because she neglected me, and I often saw how she beat my siblings. She also had these temper tantrums over extremely small things and during those she told me how much she hated me, how ugly and worthless I was and how she understood why kids at school bullied me, the list goes on. Well, my mom was and still are not sane, my dad are also not well. On the outside he might be seen as a nice and hardworking man. He is a doctor and is great at his job, he is a very clever man and can be very generous. But, he has many other sides too, he gambles a lot, drinks alcohol every night, he forced my mom to be home with me and my siblings and he would regularly beat her and threaten her that he would take away us kids from her and make her end up in a psychiatric clinic. He had many weird rules for us kids, we had to sit at the dinner table a certain way, we had to get good grades, we had to push ourselves to the absolute limit when training, no sport was just for fun, if we werent the best we sucked as children and often times when he had beaten my mom he brought us presents. I have never felt loved by my parents, never safe and never as if it´s okay for me to be myself.

During my whole childhood I did all that I could to create as few problems as possible, I made myself small, overly polite and let people treat me as they wanted to. I struggled in school, both with friends and the schoolwork but I always acted super happy and did what I could to maintain the fasade just as my parents hade drilled me to do. At school I had a hard time concentrating, maintaining friends and I got bullied. As soon as I turned 18 I did what I could to be able to move from home, I got a job, saved some money and found an apartment, during that time I also met my bf. I had always been an A and B student but after I moved out I werent able to act happy anymore, honestly, I just wanted to die. I had always thought that the pain would end as soon as i left my parents home but it just intensified and all the bottled up emotions started to surface. I started eating very little, went to the gym 6-7 times a week and I started to skip classes. I was drained and the only thing that kept me sane was my bf and my one bedroom apartment. At the end of high school I graduated but with the grade F in a few courses and since then I have been going to therapy, worked at different jobs, I oficially graduated high school with mostly A and B:s last year and this year I got diagnosed with ADHD. The years that have passed since high school has been tought but I finally feel ready to move from this damn town and start studying at uni, I have studied at uni via internet since january and I have managed to pass almost all of my courses. Since I was 14-15 I wanted to be a social worker but latley I have been thinking that maybe its just because of trauma and that I only feel like a valid human being when I help others and as if that is the only way that people can love me.

Latley I have been dreaming about going to law school and after graduation work with childrens rights and as I said before I feel ready but at the same time I dont. I am so scared of moving to a different city, being forced to find a new job (I have been able to kepp my current job for 2 years and that is a record for me) and also, the social bit, what if no one likes me? There are endless questions roaming around in my head and I havent even gotten accepted to law school yet, I will write my countrys equivalent to SAT:s in a few days and if I score well on those I might get in.

I often feel as if I have come a long way with my process of healing and building myslef up but sometimes I just feel like that scared child who only wants to be accepted and loved and honestly, college scares the shit out of me. I am so scared of being in a new town, with my current appartment leased to someone else, stuck in law school without friends and a job that I hate.

How do I stop feeling stuck and actually start living?