Source
r/MyLittleSupportGroup•
ScratchFi

I'm tired, MLSG.

I need help.

I'm tired of running. From people, from my own fears, from myself. I don't even know anymore, sometimes it feels like I am going trying to go in every direction at once. So much that was built up is crumbling away. I still have further to fall it looks like. I can no longer tell the difference between past growth and past self-deception. There seems to be a huge mix of both. I don't even know how deception could last that long. It would seem that I was doing it nearly unknowingly through my last year of college. It's rather disheartening to think you have come so far but a great portion of it is crap.

I'm tired of being angry at myself, but I do not know where to start on rectifying that.

Posted Aug 15, 2012, 11:14 PM UTC

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BettyMcBitterpants•

This reminds me of the medieval labyrinth. At that time, it was used as a meditative tool as a metaphor for a spiritual journey. It can be pretty emotional, if you open yourself up to the 'trip'...

The funny thing about walking a labyrinth is that when you start out you start going straight for the center. If you're like me, you might feel excited 'cause you think, "Wow, this is easy! I'm there already! How did I bypass all that other stuff?" .. but you don't actually make it to the center yet. You have to go the whole winding path first.

And, soon after that exciting rush at the beginning, you are thrown to the outer edges of the 'maze.' And then you might start to wonder how/when/if you'll ever even make it to the 'destination.' You start to lose faith in the path you're on.

But I've found, if you just keep on, things surprisingly work out in the end.

Good luck. I hope you feel a bit better soon.

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ScratchFiOP•

Things always do work out. I posted while being on the brighter side of my crisis. I burned out my feelings on an aggressive bike ride and then I meditated/napped in a very quiet and removed place.

There are modern variations on that too with simple garden paths. Walking meditation is pretty great but I usually just end up sitting. You'd just better hope that you don't find a minotaur at the center.

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BettyMcBitterpants•

You never know...

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pyrobug0•

If you can't tell the difference between past growth and past self-deception, maybe you're expending unnecessary energy trying. Both are done, and which is which may not change your present position all that much. Perhaps the more important thing to focus on is being honest with yourself moving forward. And that doesn't just mean being brutally honest about your weaknesses and failures - it means being honest about where you succeeded and giving yourself credit where it's due, as well. If you're tired of being angry at yourself, start by letting the past go. Don't forget it, and you don't have to defend anything you did, but recognize that it's done, and beating yourself up over it will accomplish nothing.

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ScratchFiOP•

On not knowing the difference, that was a passing thought as I was writing. I am just surprised how much so-called maturity/security has crumbled away. I really think that illusion is the product of having no time for anything but action.

The challenge is that I don't know what 'it' is. I don't know what I should be letting go. I have some vague ideas based on my emotions from certain stimuli but nothing concrete, nothing much that is possible to forgive. I have been trying to divine it and I have been trying to let myself know it. It hasn't really been working. I am coming at it from an alternative direction: teaching myself to be more forgiving/accepting in general which is nice.

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selenic_smile•

Even if some of your growth needs a little pruning, you're probably better for it. And however many yesterdays you've wasted, there's no need to waste today counting them.

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ScratchFiOP•

Oh yeah. That's why I try to unlearn my habits of analysis and reflection.

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