Good catch, I hadn't noticed the two being so close in rhyme. I'll spend some time thinking about that one. I'm glad you liked the moist round rock, I'm fond of it, too. :)

Disclaimer: I'm learning how to read poetry so forgive me if I"m off or nailing the wrong things. Take what I say with a grain of salt. 

I'm vibing with this being some lyrics with a catchy rhythm! It has a nice bounce to it as you read through. I really like "moist round rock", that's quite a visual!

For a critique I would say at this line 

> Will these trinkets make you wiser?  
> Inspire actions bolder?

Wiser and inspire are *really* close in rhyme (I guess a slant rhyme), which for me, threw me off the rhythm a little bit when reading since you end and start with the slant. But again that might just be me. 

Nice work!


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I think the fourth one wraps things up pretty nicely; it flows very logically from the third one

Thanks for your comment. I wrote the first three stanzas a few weeks ago but only added the last one yesterday. Do you think that there's any kind of shift after the third stanza?

This is a fun way of critiquing consumer culture. I like the bit of wordplay on “paper…to stock” (stocks!!) . There’s also a lot of insightful parts in ironic statements like “selling time to see it told”. 

Since this is a workshop poem, I’m guessing you would like a critique, but honestly I can’t really see any specific part to improve on. The first half is more fun than the second, but this isn’t exactly a funny poem, so perhaps the more lecturing tone of the second half is necessary to convey the message more strongly.

Thank you. I had the same thought but wasn't sure if I was overthinking it. I was afraid of there being a preachy tone to it, so again thank you for confirming that fellow monkey man

I like this poem and its message, although I think it would sound better if the switching between us/we and you/your could be streamlined or a bit more consistent.  I think it would have a greater impact if you just stuck with us/we as opposed to the universal "you". It doesn't seem to mesh as well since the speaker admits to being a monkey/ape as well. so is he a wiseman monkey preaching to ignorant monkeys?  (which could also work but I think that would need to be explained in the poem that there are two distinct groups)  Anyway, just some thoughts from a fellow orangutang.

I loved this poem. It has a great critique of capitalism and the suicidal pursuit of shiny things. I loved the rhyme and I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. I really enjoyed your poem. It made me smile. Top marks.

We're all weird monkeys  
on a moist round rock  
chasing after bits of paper  
to lend, to spend, to stock  
  
Have you ever stopped to wonder why  
we trade our lives for gold  
watches, rings, and shiny things-  
selling time to see it told  
  
Will these trinkets make you wiser?  
Inspire actions bolder?  
Or shall you say, at end of day,  
you're the same, just slightly older  
  
A query for us upright apes:  
upon our final day,  
if you could buy a bit more time,  
just how much would you pay?  
  
  
  
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yck9wc/leter_etter/itmzs0o/  
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ybxfyz/mind_and_matter/itn0ig5/

Weird Monkeys