Source
r/OCPoetry•
Seineetlavo

You are toxic.

Poem

Poison is something that shouldn't be consumed yet I can't get enough of. It's at the forefront of my mind every single day. It causes illness and death but most people don't seem to think it's all that bad.

Getting told that if consumed in a healthy amount, then it's perfectly normal and pretty much expected of you as an adult. But as soon as you have a bit too much, you're now a problem. Not before that though. It's taboo to prevent it from happening. You're seen as someone boring or not fun at parties.

So it's promoted. Everywhere you go it's advertised as it's completely normal to consume. But if you cross the line, you're the bad guy, YOU are the one with the problem. Not the fact that it's shoved down your throat all your life until you develop such a bad habit that now you can't stop yourself. It's all you can think about.

It's a poison, by definition, yet it is only poisonous to those who go too far.

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Posted Oct 27, 2022, 6:43 AM UTC

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1
sentimental_nihilist•

I like the voice of the title, second person. I think the whole poem would be more powerful if you kept that voice. The title leads one to think this will be about a relationship, which it is, but then it feels more distant with the third person voice of the body of the poem.

Nice work.

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SeineetlavoOP•

Honestly, I wrote the poem a few weeks back and came up with a title just to post it here, but I can definitely see what you mean. It probably would have been better to leave it untitled or at least put more time into naming it. I didn't realise the title could affect the outlook of the piece as much as it did. I'll definitely keep that in mind for next time.

Thanks for the feedback :)

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sentimental_nihilist•

Because of the title, I tried also reading it through replacing "it" with "you" and replacing "you" with "me". It is also quite powerful that way and maybe more personal?

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SeineetlavoOP•

Poison is something that shouldn't be consumed yet I can't get enough. You are at the forefront of my mind every single day. You cause illness and death but most people don't seem to think you're all that bad.

Getting told that consumed in a healthy amount, then you're perfectly normal, expected of as an adult. But as soon as I have a bit too much, I'm now a problem. Not before that though. Taboo to prevent it. Im seen as someone boring or not fun at parties.

So you're promoted. Everywhere I go you're advertised as you are normal to consume. But if I cross the line, I'm the bad guy, I'M the one with the problem. Not the fact that you're shoved down my throat all my life until I develop such a bad habit that now I can't stop myself. You're all i think about.

You're poison, by definition, yet only poisonous to those who go too far.

Is this what you were meaning? If so I definitely find it more personal and honestly might like it more. I think when I first wrote it, I didnt want to say "i" or "me" because I didnt want to truely connect myself to it. Being vulnerable in writing can be hard. And while that was something I wanted to do, I think I avoided it slightly so it "wasn't true". Something I need to work on for sure.

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sentimental_nihilist•

Yes, that's what I meant.

Vulnerability is honesty. No one reading it the other way would think you were not talking about yourself (whether this is truly your experience or not). This way you own it and it makes you sound strong, which makes you strong and makes your poem strong.

Poetry for me is often a way too learn deeper truth about myself, even when I think I'm writing about someone else.

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sentimental_nihilist•

Maybe if you start with "poison, you are something that..." bridges it more clearly.

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sentimental_nihilist•

The title of a poem, at least in my mind, is a preparation for the reading of it. It's not like a book or movie with an establishing scene at the beginning. The title sets the mood for reading the poem. That may be entirely personal though.

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