Source
r/INTP•
PuzzledSwitch

what is your reaction when a friend lashes out at you in anger?

Had something like this happen to me today. From a very close friend of mine.

I've been called the worst things i could ever imagine coming from that person, i know it was an emotional outburst borne out of frustration/anger but it still hurts. A lot.

To be fair, the situation was solely my fault, but the reaction was severely exaggerated. It was not a life-or-death type of mistake, i was merely late 15 minutes ( but we were going to be late to their doctor's appointment ) .

How do you all react to something like this? Family, close friends, partner blowing up in your face? Someone else you deeply care about?

Posted Oct 27, 2022, 10:34 AM UTC

331
ARMinSC•

I usually laugh, which causes the outburst to escalate. I can't help it, mad people are funny to me. People throwing their hands around, yelling and it's usually about something as trivial as being 15 minutes late. As if that changed the universe.

14
PuzzledSwitchOP•

well, i've never seen that person throw that kind of vitriol in my face. really.

i actually felt sick on the inside. maybe from shame, maybe out of something else.

2
DLO_Buckets•

Why am I like this as well. Anger and outbursts makes me laugh so much.

1
ARMinSC•

People getting all emotional over trivial things makes no sense.

2
jeudi_matinINTP🦕•

I'll usually not talk to them for a while. These outbursts wound me deeply, and I need to get away, sometimes a long time, when they happen.

12
aerinanyaINTP•

I'd just stay quiet and walk away. I don't have the energy to argue or make them feel quilty for what they did.. i'd remove myself from their space for a while until they figure it out themselves

6
anewstartforuINTP•

This isn't healthy, but I lose all respect for them and cut them out of my life. No time for shit energy in my life.

4
Of_Monads_and_NomadsIN(x)P•

Withdraw from them: I’m not going to be railroaded into bickering but I’m not going to reward pettiness either.

4
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
PuzzledSwitchOP•

not really, was late just once before but we still made it.

and i try to be reliable as much as i can be. that was pretty important, but we still had plenty of time to spare.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
PuzzledSwitchOP•

to me when someone violently slams doors of my car and shouts that they fking hate me, it screams at me that this friendship is over.

but maybe i am wrong.

just for the record, i did not lash back out or anything. i just felt bad and tried to make up for the lost time and did my best to act responsible and dependable.

5
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
dream_druidINFP•

I get up and leave and then ignore them to the point of them doubting their own existence 😭 until I get a sincere apology then everything is good. The problem is many people don't know how to apologise and expect you to just move past it because they were having a bad day/week/month/life. Okay but that has nothing to do with me? Apologise for what you did to me and then I will move on if you expect to retain this relationship.

3
dream_druidINFP•

Of course if it's my fault I will fully apologise. But I just don't respond well to anger.

1
PuzzledSwitchOP•

honestly, i do not know if i should be the one apologizing after that show of emotion.

if anything, i think i deserve an apology, because the scale of that reaction was plainly uncalled for. things might just escalate from there at this point.

2
dream_druidINFP•

I agree that you do, and if they are unable to see why then it's telling of their character. Just take note of a behavioural pattern, if exaggerated reactions from them is common or nah (even towards third parties).

I've been very surprised by who people become after they've known you for a while 😅

1
PuzzledSwitchOP•

it is common for them to get frustrated and lash out. we've known each other for maybe 4 years now and are (or were) close friends.

but never before like this. it used to be civil and more of suggestive, instead of full display of anger like that.

plus, if we did not make it in time - i offered to schedule a doctor appointment they might have missed out of my own pocket. it was not a life-critical visit either.

i had worse things fail in my life, and i did not act like this ever. even if it was someone else's fault.

2
Love_for_ENTP•

Slow blinking

3
gruiaENTJ•

ideally joy and enthusiasm r/nvc

1
Gary_Gerber•

KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT YOUR F'IN MOUTH!!

1
SkylineR33•

I'd be pissed about being 15 minutes late to a doctor appointment too. Its common for a doctors office to drop your appointment entirely after 15 minutes, charge you, and require you to reschedule (or drop you all together as their patient if its a repeated offense). The lashing out may be extreme, but I'm not convinced you understand how things work by your seeming lack of real care in the tardiness to begin with.

1
PuzzledSwitchOP•

yeah, i know i screwed up. i don't understand the severity of the reaction.

then again, i offered to find a replacement appointment privately (as opposed to public health service where you have to wait longer). i actually did that (arrange a visit, not just offer it) a few times, when waiting times in public health service were too long. and a few times i even chipped in for some medical appointments.

i guess one mistake is all it takes.

also, it was in public health care system, so those rules do not necessarily apply. at worst you would get a place later in line.

1
livinginlyon•

Ignore it. Move past it.

1
Ruirensu•

I confront the person because why would they react like that? For something as being late as 15 minutes? Sure being frustrated is understandable but lashing out like that js not justified. I'll obviously say sorry that I'm late but I'll definitely tell that person that what they did and how they reacted was out of the line. It is up to them how they'll take it, it is not worth spending my energy if they still decide to be an ass about it, would honestly just reflect what type of character they are.

1
Malguss444•

My reaction is one that extends grace to a certain extent, but if a threshold is passed, then my second reaction is concern for their future.

1
KarumineINFP•

You might be wrong and you rightfully got called out for it, but that sounds like an extreme display of anger from your friend (from your description/version).

I'm not sure what they could've said because these details matter a lot, the words used etc. Can't be overlooked, they could change the implied situation of this post entirely. But I understand that's supposed to be private so I'm not going to insist.

As for the reactions, I honestly never made anyone outside of my family angry. But I can't make an example with family members because they're different figures entirely, sorry.

I can try and imagine I would try and validate their anger at first, I didn't respect them so it's fair that I apologize.

If they can't be reasoned with I'll look for better friends because no matter how guilty someone is I personally would never make them feel like they're trash as in their whole persona. I would attack the mistake they've made, not the person.

What you've done is trash VS you are trash. Different meanings.

1
PuzzledSwitchOP•

yeah, well i feel like trash right now. i feel like that every time i mess something up, regardless how big or small.

the words used were a shout of "i hate you", followed by door slams and angrily wrestling with seat belt, driving in silence and more door slams. the moment i heard those words i felt like i was either going to pass out or vomit on the spot. it was that shocking, coming from that person.

sometimes it's not what has been said, but who said it. and how it was said.

i can understand being angry, people let me down often in my life so i am used to it. i've missed some opportunities in life, some people let me down, or introduced chaos into my plans. but i never reacted like this. then again, this is me and my way of dealing with unexpected problems.

1
KarumineINFP•

Do yourself a favor and go no contact. I'm not sure why you've been friends with someone like that in the first place.

Having company at the expense of your mental sanity and self esteem doesn't sound like a good deal. I don't know who you are in your private life but I hope you can find friends you deserve. Take care dude

1
zbatah•

For me I just kind of freeze up and stare at them while my brain rapidly tries to answer the question, "how to fix angry human" and then I get uncomfortable with needlessly accessive anger and leave the situation until they figure their shit out themselves

1