Dear whoever the fuck

The truth is I feel stuck in all of it, and I can’t apologize, and I can’t remember anything, and I’m too afraid to die.

The truth is I have enough, but it’s not cutting it, and I’d rather cut my own tongue out than move on from this. I thought I had to give you up to hear the symphony again, but I’m listening & listening & listening,

and I can’t hear shit I mean I thought you said this was it! I thought you meant we’d wake up already I thought I’d make it out okay I mean you said you loved me and you didn’t even see me. Were you waiting on me to try?

The truth is that I hate you and I hope you die slow.

The truth is that I want to know more than I know. I know you’re not real; I made you up in my head. I made up what you said, and when I needed you, you left me for dead.

In this picture I’m smiling. See how my eyes are all bright? See, I’m constantly dying, but I can’t always notice it. So, with this picture, that’s as good as it gets.

In this picture my skull splits open like an egg, spills brain yolk over the sidewalk.

In this one I’m an angel. You might know me also as an alien.

Now I’m your friend with benefits, scrolling facebook engagements and eating decorative frosting out of its red plastic tube. I consider breaking, I do.

In this I’m nothing but a shell of me. To hell and down again I bounce & count the drowning up ahead of me.

Three hundred and thirty two, three hundred and thirty three… God, won’t you please take them instead of me?

God, no wait, take me I mean. I’ve seen what’s on the other side. I’m more keen to it, and, you know what, I handle things probably better than she can.

I’ll wear my sandals and pin back some strands of my hair with the butterfly clip. Will you let me dip my toes in slowly? Pretend we’re only going for a swim,

& next time I won’t fall for the bare-skinned minimum. Next time I’ll handle it. Next time it won’t hurt so much. Next time I won’t smile at every soft as rain & sorry, guarded look. Next time I’ll write the book.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yg9qj9/monsters_versus_sapiens/iudwl76/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yhajak/next_time/iudvm7g/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3