All fair points. In the recent relationship there were no breaches of trust. No behaviour from either side to warrant suspicion. On her part, her most recent ex before me was a very long term thing that ended in betrayal on his part. Her insecurities are understandable.

An ex-partner is the most likely person to cheat with.  If there are trust issues already in their previous relationship that they're attempting to solve when they get back together, it makes sense that his no-longer-ex would have set boundaries.  However, we don't know that, nor do we know that his ex may simply be insecure and there were never any causes on his end for the trust issues.  Whether or not his former ex is a good potential partner can't be discerned by the amount of information given here, imo.

It certainly wasn't a case of rules or demands. I was just quite open to show honesty and integrity. Her response was more appreciating that honesty, but very visible awkwardness. Her mood changed instantly. A fear response, as I figured it would from what I've understood about anxious attachment and insecurities. She talked of how I wouldn't like it if she spent time with her ex. Honestly, that depends if her behaviour from then on gave me reason to feel insecure. But generally, I wouldn't feel jealous if I had no reason to.

Saying you can't be bffs with a long term ex is a pretty basic rule tho...

Agreed. An ex that says “hey, I want us to try again.  Here are your rules.”, doesn’t sound like something I’d be in a hurry to get back into.  If you let her demand you get rid of a friend like that, I fear you’d just be setting the stage for even more brazen demands down the road.

The ex you're considering getting back together with doesn't trust you and wants to set conditions before you even enter back into a relationship. It doesn't sound like a positive or promising way to start.

Emotionally mature people see the fact that you can be truly platonic friends with an ex as a sign of emotional maturity in you. Immature and insecure people see it as a threat to their relationship and a sign of dishonesty in you.

I would recommend not spending your energy trying to get back with this ex. A good platonic friend is better than a poor romantic partner.

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Wish you well,

It's a testing situation. And yeah, it's that jealousy and insecurity that I know is gonna be work to accommodate, you know? But that's my intent in severing ties. 
I appreciate your advice.

but the pattern is that you were probably avoidant in the other one and she was probably anxious yeah? that's the important thing to think about, the "toxicity" is just the manifestation of insecurities, give it enough time and any person with serious insecurities will do that.  But it sounds like you are aware of the dynamic and are working on it, that's about as good as you can do, but I can say as a fellow on the avoidant side of things that we tend to HATE jealousy and it's something that triggers our avoidance even more. So tread carefully I would say

I totally get where you're coming from. The recent one ended, essentially, because I'm avoidant and she's (I'm assuming) anxious. I've worked very hard to understand myself better, my deactivation strategies and how my avoidant patterns affect her. When we met up recently it turned into a 7 hour talk where we were both completely open, calm, no judgement. Both took accountability etc. Personally, being open to her in person about having spent time with my ex while being conscious the outcome of that was beyond my control was big for me. I didn't let it build up. I bit the bullet and did it.

I guess there were similar patterns in that I'd say I've always had an avoidant style of a fear of abandonment, but that's a more recent discovery and I'm working on it. It was a pleasant enough time. Generally though, no. Very different relationships. The old one was very toxic. Involved betrayal.

I'm not looking at burning a bridge. I'd like to maintain some form of contact, just meeting in pers

What I am curious about is why the newer relationship ended. Were there any similarities at all to the older one? We generally have dating patterns that we fall into and often it takes actively working on stuff to break that cycle.  To your question, I'm friends with several of my exes and while I wouldn't spend the night at their house if I was dating someone serious, I would never cut them out of my life completely for anyone purely because I don't want to date someone that's so insecure that they can't trust me.  Consider also what happens when the new girl dumps you again, and you have burned the bridge to the other. It's easy to feel like your current relationship is the most important thing in the world but the reality is that it's not likely that it will last if you are looking at it statistically. It's really up to what you are comfortable with, but it's generally not great when someone is trying to control who you are talking to.

I agree that the best case scenario is the one you laid out.

In terms of do I understand the reasoning, yes I do. Or rather, it's not inexplicable. I'm quite sure she has an insecure attachment style. And her last relationship before me was a 10 year thing that ended in betrayal on his part.

I've learned that for her to feel more secure I would have to offer reassurance and behave in a very open and honest way. That's the intent behind my actions.

How in the world does being in a relationship on line work? Lol I will never be in a relationship with my ex or her boss. How can someone think 🤔 their in a relationship with someone when that someone doesn't want anything to do with that particular person! It'll never happen especially with people saying their "going to kill you" and another saying "l will be killing you". I will not have any association with anyone who hates me to the point of wanting to kill me.

How will you feel if in a year you come back and the relationship you attempted is failed and the one you have with your friend-ex is weakened or gone because you've only been allowed to pursue it online?

How will you feel in a year if you come back and the relationship you attempted has gone really well and the one you have with your friend-ex is still chugging along albeit not in person?

Those are your worst and best-case scenarios.  I would ask myself: what can I tolerate?  What do I feel good about doing?  What is "right"? Will I feel I am being true to the kind of person I am to lay it all on the line for love, or can I say who I am, is someone who won't accept being controlled?  Is there any merit to the insecurity your current partner feels, or can it be reasoned with (ex: the 3 of you hanging out as a replacement for you and her not hanging out alone).

Also, did you know that this was a condition of the relationship before you got into it, or after?  That would matter to me 

Like I said, you are either lying to yourself (and you believe it) or naive. Not sure what one it is. Maybe you are socially clueless or something I'm not sure. Not trying to be mean. 

I mean come on, you can't be hiking pals + bff's with an ex you were together with for years and expect your current gf to be comfortable with it. "Bye honey I'm going hiking alone in the woods with the woman I lived with for years before I was with you" Good luck with that 😅😅😅

Side note, what exactly does this whole situation have to do with stoicism really?

How I'd feel about it if the roles were reversed depends on so many factors it's impossible to say with certainty. I know I'm not the jealous type, but it's always more complicated than that.

I highly doubt you would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. I believe you are lying to yourself or you are a naive person.

Call me crazy, and my advice doesn't count for much, but from my cursory reading of the situation you'd probably be better moving on from both of these relationships... But what do I know.

Thanks for your input. With all due respect though, the last time you offered your opinion to me it had an undertone of resentment and it feels the same is true here. It was also grossly inaccurate. In fact you flat out told me one thing was going to happen, and in reality the opposite occurred.

So while I appreciate you offering your opinion, I have absolutely no respect for it.

To clarify, I reached out to her without knowing she was now single. Would it have gained the momentum it did if she wasn't? Almost certainly not. Interesting to consider.

> You're confused about something - I said he'd feel betrayed by a *current* partner if he assessed that this partner had struck up a sexual relationship with another person whilst they were together.

Sure, but they're not currently in a relationship. They're talking about getting back together. And I still contend that the assessment is incorrect.

> If you believe that a Stoic would not feel betrayed if they were cheated on by their partner, then you've misunderstood something very fundamental: you've adopted the "Stoicism is about having a functional lobotomy" theory of the philosophy.

Not what I'm saying. But also, not applicable to this situation. There's no "cheating" that's occurred. OP is not in a relationship with anymore. I agree with you that a Stoic who willingly enters into an exclusive romantic relationship would accurately recognize it's a form of betrayal, though there need not be distress over that.

> OP said he struck this relationship up after he found out they we

>Eh, Ben I'm gonna have to disagree here. If OP is trying to practice Stoicism, then feeling possessiveness, betrayal, envy, or jealousy toward a former romantic partner wouldn't be appropriate.

You're confused about something - I said he'd feel betrayed by a *current* partner if he assessed that this partner had struck up a sexual relationship with another person whilst they were together.

If you believe that a Stoic would not feel betrayed if they were cheated on by their partner, then you've misunderstood something very fundamental: you've adopted the "Stoicism is about having a functional lobotomy" theory of the philosophy.

A Stoic who is cheated on would still feel betrayed - but they'd make a logical use of the impression of betrayal. This generally means they'd end the relationship.

A person who makes a poor use of an impression of betrayal might choose to resume the relationship, or betray their partner back, or harm or dominate their partner, or do some other things - it w

As Ben said though, just be careful that you aren't tricking yourself about your feelings for your ex. If you're 100% good with the platonic nature of your relationship, then good to go.

I think this is fundamentally the issue. Reluctantly sacrificing something to go all in on something where a lack of trust has been indicated, even if it just stems from insecurities.

I guess I'm OP listen I will not get into a relationship with people that say they're going to kill me and  The others say I will be killing you it's not going to happen I don't want to get into a relationship with people that ruined my life my reputation that's steal my money that caused me to lose my job those people I will stay away from.  I will not get into a relationship with anyone especially when they use black magic to hurt other people and put curses on people.

Eh, Ben I'm gonna have to disagree here. If OP is trying to practice Stoicism, then feeling possessiveness, betrayal, envy, or jealousy toward a former romantic partner wouldn't be appropriate.

It also wouldn't be appropriate to assume a sexual component of the relationship, *especially* if that former partner was openly and proactively sharing that they developed a platonic relationship with an ex.

And if that's true, then OP either has to enter into a relationship that doesn't enjoy mutual trust and respect, or refuse to do so. But it's also not appropriate for us to assume that OP's own stated reflections are dishonest.

Here's the simple truth: if your ex was in a relationship, you and her would not have "reconnected" and wouldn't be "buddies". 

I don't believe you would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. I think if you were dating a girl, and she reconnected with a recently single ex and then began getting close to them, you'd (rightly) assess that this new relationship had a sexual component, and you'd feel betrayed because most of the trust in a new relationship comes form being certain that they're put down all of their other options to focus on you.

I think you're right that resentment would build up, because you don't actually want to date this new girl enough to focus on her exclusively. You know you'd be faking that level of interest maybe hoping it becomes real interest at some point.

Well, start a relationship on such dishonest and unwilling terms if you want. You know what a messy, resentful relationship between people with mismatched levels of interest feels like: if you thin

How to feel about severing ties with an ex to benefit current relationship