Rambling about my life on Reddit for a change

In my experience, I quite often felt a bit nihilistic and sad about life, without a true passion and basically everything felt a bit meaningless quite often, I attribute a large portion of it to the death of my mother when i was 8 from leukemia, [when i got older they told me that she had it since I was 2 ].

Psychedelics opened my mind for sure, I don't know if they made more creative than I truly was but after some integration they definitely made me more emotionally expressive which then led to me be more creative. The void I have inside still remains, but now I have 2 major creative interests [guitar, bass and making paintings (which i also think that it connects me with my dead mother emotionally since she was also a painter) ] which made me a bit more alive and appreciative of myself. I still get suicidal thoughts, smoking weed definitely doesn't help with that when abused. When done infrequently its not that enjoyable, its hard to balance after many years of abuse. Not smoking at all feels too restrictive, especially when music is involved.

With regards to therapy, I have a complicated experience. I believe the good and healthy decision is to do therapy indeed but its always the possibility of someone who you dont vibe or even a person who has his own issues that doesnt try to solve. Personally I had some good experience with a couple of therapists but due to circumstances (being abroad, during quarantine, etc) I couldn't continue. So I started online with a new one and that really fucked me. I never lied to her but I didn't feel entirely comfortable with talking about drugs which I now recognize but I had talked about drugs with other therapists in the past so it had to have some correlation with the vibe we had with each other. Anyway, 5 months passed and I felt way worse, I came back from abroad so living with my beloved but edgy parents who want the best for me but their way of helping me by being judgemental stresses me more, and I start having panick attacks and also hurting my self (just punching the wall and with the head a couple times) I was inducing physical pain in order to distract me from the mental stress and frustration. I remember thinking constantly that I wish I never existed. I thought about quitting with her, she said one last session like we agreed. I respected the "therapeutic contract". In the Last session she kept trying to convince me to continue for at least 2 sessions, to the point that I felt really uncomfortable and got really direct. To my surprise she got really emotional, like frustrated and almost mad and thats where I ghosted her (after I told her I want to quit for quite a few times) I feel better now although still a lot more to consider myself fine.

Psychedelics opened my soul a bit and made me more emotional and sensitive, not in a bad way necessarily but now it's harder to handle stressful situations since I got used to not feeling that much for many years.

I never regret doing psychedelics, I would be a slightly different person but that doesn't matter. I still need to appreciate and adapt to myself more. It is what it is, till it ain't.

Thanks for reading <3