I’ve realized that reaching out will just reopen the wounds and set me back. The person I loved doesn’t exist anymore.

This 100 times over. OP take this advice. If they dumped you, take that as a "they want nothing to do with you" sign.

If they don't contact you, take that as a "they don't want to spend time and effort on you".

It hurts but you'll be okay

I don’t think it’s worth it. All it did for me was set my healing back and show me what I already knew: he didn’t wanna be with me

Never. You must teach people how they must respect you. Don’t offer anything of yourself, especially not your love, at a discount.

Yeah precisely. Any move towards being friends ought to come from the dumper but I thought she’s never going to do that so I shouldn’t either.

Right. Why be friends with someone who doesn’t have the ability to be an actual friend.

It’s good self awareness though that you know of your avoidant tendencies. I think I inadvertently gave that message to my ex that I don’t want to be contacted. After our BU, she started posting thirst traps and pictures of travelling that she looked so happy. I ended up unfollowing her but she still followed me. Until a while ago I accidentally watched her story and instinctively blocked her, which also removed her from my followers lol. All this to say she may have gotten the message I don’t want contact.

Yes - but no where near as much as they have reached out to me.  I have a sort of - well - as an avoidant - I have deep seated issues - when I say that I believe (incorrectly at times) that no one cares about me - so I don't like to reach out - because no one wants to hear from me.  Which in my experience - is far from truth.  Example:  I was reached out to, be a dear friend I lost touch with 5 years ago - on FB.  Took me two months to reply to her text - I was just timid.  I thought she would be bullshit to hear from me, after all this time.  She literally jumped for joy, and we hung out the next weekend, and we text every day.  It's my prob, my issue.  It's less pride now with my exes - more timidity out of respect for their SOs.    

It used to be pride all those years ago - but the ones that "stuck" never left.  Problem is that you don't know who will stick... until Time reveals that to you...  some people are just meant to always be there...

Have you ever reached to out to any of your exes off your own accord? 

Because if I’m the one doing the reaching out all the time, that feels very much one sided (a lot like the relationship I had with her) and that’s not sth I’m interested in doing. I no longer chase people.

I'm a prideful avoidant.  Have been ALL my years.  I've had the good fortune (or the misfortune, haha) of having been in various relationships for 25 years.  But there are 4 relationships, that were special... and ended HORRIBLY.  They are all married to others.  And they all reach out.  And you know what?  They all have an UNCANNY ability to reach out when I feel like shit.  And I'm usually amused, and welcome their reach out.  Just yesterday, I had a guy that I went out with 18 years ago, reach out just to say hello.  Brought a smile to my face.  They don't reach out excessively, maybe once or twice a year.  So I say... why not?  One of them - hahaha - I was so ANNOYED by.  For years!!!!  But... he grew on me.

He's doing great, and I'm very glad for him.  At that point, it's no longer an ex... it's a friend.  Some exes are in your "soul group".  Tough to deny that...  that's my experience.  If they were meaningful - the universe will unite you again - in the way it planned to.  Some

I was the dumpee. I wanted to make it work. I waited 6 months before I divorced her to see if she would change her mind, she didn’t. She decided she was single and started sleeping around a week after the BU. 

I didn’t ever cheat. In fact, I think even though our marriage ended, I know I did everything I could and put in all the effort to salvage it as best I could. I have that peace of mind. Therefore, it’s not about me being ready for a relationship but rather her. She’d have to explain why she blindsided me, why she lied for months when she had checked out of the relationship and what she has done to fix it for the future for me to consider getting back with her and even then I’d think it’s a low chance. I have my flaws but I didn’t do anything terrible, rather I think we slowly grew apart. 

She hasn’t even shown a single hint she’s interested in having any contact let alone getting back together so I don’t think that a consideration. My thoughts were muddled today because I wante

Yes but what do you want? If you are 100% sure you want to try again and you’re actually ready to, talk to her. Ask her to talk to you. 

My ex tried this with me a year ago and I said yes. The problem was he wasn’t ready. He still had no clue how to be in a normal relationship. He tried really hard for six weeks and then stormed out because I asked him to take a picture off our Alexa. He was still “communicating” with his married girlfriend. He was not ready. 

If you’re ready and you truly want her back, then you should try. You’ll always wonder. 

I liked that my ex came back. I hated that he started round two, like round one - cheating and lying. He hadn’t changed. 

If you have and you’re ready, you should try. There’s a high chance she still loves you, even if you’ve done terrible things.

I fixed that. I agree it’s a break up not a long break. 

I do think she moved on far quicker than I did but I don’t think there any chance of reconciliation. There’s just way too much trauma and distance to ever try. Her family still engages me and speaks to me but there’s no involvement with her since.

It's not a "long break" - it's a break up.

If you don't want her back, don't contact her. Let her move forward. It's unfair for you to use her because you're feeling down or missing her. Work out what you want first.

If you want to try again, genuinely - that's a different story.

I regret reaching out to my dumper. We tried again but it didn’t work out. Waste of time.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I didn’t want her to feel the ick towards me or feel disdain because I reached out to her and from what your saying, she would likely feel that way. 

I will stick to NC. I suppose it is a matter of time before she reaches out (or she doesn’t and that says sth too). I should just focus on my own life and healing. I agree with you about the ironic tragedy that by the time the avoidant will miss the relationship and initiate contact, the other person will have completely moved on. 

Every one around me tells me that she will definitely reach out in the future but most probably, by the time she does, I won’t care.

As someone who was an avoidant dumper, I would say no. I split with my ex, and she tried to contact me multiple times after we ended our 2 year relationship, often with nostalgic things or inside jokes. It would annoy me, even tho I know it was with good intentions. It made me want to ghost her even more. Eventually she gave up when it was clear I wasn’t reciprocating, and she went NC. She started a new relationship (and so did I). I recently got out of mine (this time I was the dumpee), and literally a full year after the original split, I have finally reached out to her. Its the way avoidant work, there are a few helpful youtube vids to watch. Avoidant don’t tend to feel that hit of nostalgia until the relationship is way far in the past, and that’s the ironic tragedy. Because by that time, the other person has most likely fully moved on. If the avoidant ex at one point cared about you, trust that they’ll reach out someday again, be it a year, two years, or more after things ended. A

I’m sorry you’re sad. Sending you positive energy! Tbh I work the graveyard shift and when things get slow and I’m alone with my thoughts that’s when it’s the worst. But I’m sure she’s fine and doesn’t care so I should stick to NC.

Crank one out and go to sleep. Or maybe work out. I’m not trying to be mean but me and my ex broke NC today after 99 days and it was ugly. I feel more sad; I’m certain she’s fine.

Tbh I don’t know. Just want some sort of contact and I think I’m missing her right now. Perhaps may just be a low moment. I’d feel pretty bad if she ignored me/was cold or took ages to respond which are all likely.

depends.. what is your goal here? how would u feel if she didn’t respond?

Nah I’m not kidding anyone. I absolutely know I don’t want a relationship with her because I deserve better. You can miss someone without wanting them back or wanting a relationship. 

In any case, I agree with the rest. If she responded favorably and we connected, it would spark nostalgia. If she was cold and ghosted me, it would make me feel like crap. Both situations are lose-lose so all the more reason not to reach out.

"I don’t want her or the relationship but I’m curious what she’s up to" 

Who are you trying to kid, us? Or yourself? Sounds like an excuse to open the lines of communication... and if you did,  you know deep down there's a part of you that will spark up. You'll feel even more nostalgic and that attraction will grow until you once again find yourself thinking about her all the time, wishing there could be more between you. 

Don't do it. Leave it alone.

Not a good ideia my man 

You’re doing so good,I don’t think it’s worth taking this risk

Don’t do it….nothing good will come of it

I agree. I’m sticking to NC, wishing for the feelings to go away.

Curiosity really did kill the cat in this situation, not worth it, the fact you know she’s prideful and an avoidant should tell you everything. It’s best you assume they are this person until they convince you other wise.

You said it yourself your happy so forget em don’t even be curious. It’s okay to go through whatever sort of emotions just from seeing a picture just don’t act on it.

I don’t think my ex would ever even try to hover me back but we will find out.

My ex the dumper and I was NC for 2 years before he tried to hoover me back clearly trying to get me to contact him but I figured that's very manipulating and respectless so I waited to see if he would communicate with me directly and honestly but he never did.

I dont think I’m quite detached. And actually whether she responds positively or negatively will both trigger difficult feelings for me. Nostalgia if she responds positively and feeling like crap if she responds negatively. So I think there’s no need to reach out for now. I agree with you that there’s no deadline to reaching out.

I think it depends on what you want to achieve by reaching out. If you've moved countries and are happy with your life, and you genuinely don't want to resume the relationship, I don't think there's much harm in extending an olive branch. It's definitely possible for ex-spouses to be friends. My parents are a great example - they divorced 15 years ago, have both remarried, but are still good friends and talk at least once a week. 

But you have to be really, really honest with yourself - would her ignoring or rebuffing you derail your progress and your healing, or would you be able to take it in your stride? You should only reach out if you're able to detach from the outcome, otherwise you might find yourself sent back to square one. 

If you're in doubt, remember there's no deadline for reaching out/reconciliation! You can take more time if you need - barring some horrible tragedy, you'll both still likely be here in another year. There's no need to force being friends too soon. 

Goo

If you don’t want anything from them just leave them alone :)

I think I’m feeling it right now because I’m a bit down in the dumps. But hopefully the feelings will change and I won’t feel this way the next month. I’m not breaking NC right own

I say keep holding out for your own testament of self-will. If you say you are doing better in life and don't need her, give it a month more of self-discipline and see if those feelings are still there a month from now. Is an impulse triggered from a snap memory worth all the progress you've had to make mentally? If you catch yourself obsessing over the thought the next month and can't help yourself (I hope this doesn't happen) then maybe hit her up again and tell her your feelings. But you should give it some time and thought before you just open Pandora's box again.

My quick answer to you would be “no”. In general in the early stages, I am 50/50 on 100% NC bc reaching out can provide clarity in why things ended, etc from an avoidant ghosting you. In this case, you are so far out from it, just make sure, if you do reach out, you are clear with yourself about your reasons/intent and what you expect from the interaction. To me, it’s akin to someone ‘dying’ … The person you knew by now is likely long gone and you are basically bringing them back for a ‘hang’. If she hasn’t reached out to you it’s bc she hasn’t wanted to, and I think that’s important to remember. I wouldn’t attribute it to ‘pride’ or how you knew her in the past imo. She likely did some changing since then (let’s hope) and made the deliberate choice to not reach out. If she hasn’t changed much, then it might be ‘pride’ but also that means you’re walking back into the past with her. 

I would seriously talk about this with friends and get their perspective too before doing anything if p

No why would u? No excuse is a good enough one, she dumped u for a reason.

Don’t reach out. It’s not worth it. I think it’s worth asking yourself why you even want to.

It’s been 11 months since the BU and we’ve been NC. It was a blindsided end to a 3 year marriage, 5 year relationship. I (dumpee) am in a good place now. Moved countries, got a new job and am enjoying life generally. Yesterday, I opened my Snapchat and it showed an old memory of us at a chocolate factory which brought a lot of feelings back. I don’t want her or the relationship but I’m curious what she’s up to. 

I know she’s a prideful person and an avoidant so she’d never reach out to me. I was wondering if I should reach out just see how everything has been? Is it on the dumper to initiate contact after the breakup?

Avoidant Dumpers, how would you feel if your ex reached out a year after the BU?

Should you ever reach out to the dumper?