Triggered by a text message of all things?
[deleted]
Posted Nov 4, 2022, 1:31 AM UTC
287
Are you able to go NC with her? I once had to tell my husband that he could choose to have a relationship with his family, but I was under no obligation to. If that means celebrating the holidays alone, at the time I said this I felt I needed to do whatever I could to protect my peace. I didn't even care if that made me the bad guy bc I did not have to subject myself to the verbal abuse I was receiving.
I didn't speak with my in-laws for 3 months. Finally when my in-laws were ready to talk, I had a sit down with my husband present and told them to get to know me before making unfair judgements about me. It seemed to do the trick for the most part. My MIL can be very catty at times, but my husband is on my team and has my back and will tell her to knock it off. I hope your SO is doing this for you as well bc that's really the only way I've found to nip the behavior in the bud.
It sounds as if SIL hit a nerve and just her presence is a trigger for you bc she tried to sabotage your character by saying the exact same invalidating words that were used against you before when you were SA'd. It makes total sense to me why it would prompt a panic attack. That person made you feel the same feelings when your SA was being invalidated. Not only that, but she did it behind your back with someone who loves you, which is worse to me than someone doing it to my face.
I would also recommend pulling out your coping tools from your previous therapy to see if that would help. I have a stress box I pull out occasionally.
5
Thank you for this very thoughtful advice. Yes I have gone no contact with her for unrelated reasons (unfortunately, the comment she made was just a cherry on top of her sundae of toxicity). She didn’t react well to the no-contact and I know my husband is holding out hope that I will one day “come around” to them and vice versa. I thought about all of this last night after I calmed down and I came to some more realizations on why I feel so, so anxious. I sometimes think he doesn’t understand the severity of a panic attack and how a meaningless trigger to him can be immobilizing to me. Even though I’ve done the best I can to explain it and despite him saying he will support my decision to go no-contact, I think there is a small part of my anxious brain that worries he is secretly betraying me behind my back and promising my SIL that I’m not serious about the no-contact and soon she will be allowed back in my life. I think you’re right about how the message bothered me more because it was behind my back — because I was betrayed by someone close to me before, I am anxious that I am going to be betrayed by someone close to me again.
5
As someone who suffers from anxiety attacks, I completely understand how difficult it is to describe them to someone who doesn't know. My husband had one once and asked me "Is this it? Is this what it feels like? I feel like I'm dying. My chest hurts. My heart is sinking. I can't breathe! I have a lump in my chest. I can't move.". Yup. I don't even think he knows what triggered it, other than be was under a lot of stress at the time.
3
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? You don’t need to answer, but more of a, ‘I have and this has happened to me’
Trigger warning decision of sa as a child.
I was hurt by someone when I was five. That person lightly stalked me on and off. The worst was him watching my house from my neighbours yard trying to peer into my bedroom, I’d always see him.
I didn’t realise until recently (I’m 37 now) that it was a trigger for me in a massive way. That person My Brain considers a threat, glaring at through a window. There was a granny at school who was super aggressive and she would glare at me through my windshield. I’d get panic attacks everyday, severe ones, where I couldn’t move. It took me a long time to realise it was so triggering.
It’s still a problem. While I’m a lot better with all my other triggers. But this one, it’s super rough, all I could do was remove myself.
I’d say to your partner, that right now, your SIL is a trigger and you’re not in a place to fix that without time and distance. He is free to do family stuff with her, but if her could refrain from SIL chat you’d be super appreciative.
SIL has said something that has sent a biological response to for you that you can’t help and that’s because of x incident.
4
You can have PTSD from more than one trauma. Your SIL has done nothing but stress and attack you through this whole relationship. Then your husband started gaslighting you about her actions. There's a lot more to this situation than just your past SA. You need to speak to a therapist and unravel if you're having PTSD caused by your husband and his family and what you need to do to have a peaceful happy future.
3
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1
So sorry this was so triggering!
Something like this may best be handled by a professional. If it seems like a relapse of the PTSD, it's probably a good idea to see a therapist, maybe one who helped you before. You may also want to contact RAINN (rainn.org). They may have seen issues like this before and could offer help.