my parents punished me for talking as a child. not talking out of turn. talking.

i’ve never told this to anyone but i’ve been thinking about this a lot and i just wanna get it off my chest. i was adopted when i was 4. when i first started kindergarten i had trouble making friends and my teacher told me the best way to make friends was to just talk to people and that’s what i did but for some reason i couldn’t comprehend when was an appropriate time to talk to someone so i got a call home often days about me talking during class and it got to the point where my teacher and my parents came up with a solution. during school i was only allowed to answer questions i was asked along with the three permitted phrases “yes ma’am, no ma’am, and thank you, ma’am” if i said anything else the entire school day, i would get a call home and my parents would spank me. i could not talk at lunch, i could not talk at recess, i could not speak to my classmates, i could not ask to go to the bathroom or the nurse.

(side note: my entire childhood i was never allowed to go to the bathroom or nurse even if i was actually sick. holy shit, one time i cracked my skull open on the monkey bars at recess and got yelled at for missing the rest of the school day fuck i completely forgot about that)

i had to sit at a desk in the corner instead of at the tables were all the other kids sat, my mat at nap time was in the hallway instead of the classroom, and i sat at the teachers table at lunch. they discontinuation that practice at 1st grade and after that, i had a lot of trouble making friends. i think i’m still fucked up because of it. i’m 20 now and can’t keep a relationship romantic or platonic. i just don’t understand boundaries but it might because no one ever respected a single one of my boundaries my whole life. i really want to get better but some nights i think i might just be broken.

i know i’ve already digressed enough but it’ll all coming back to me. i’m 20 and i’ve never had a birthday party. i’m 20 and i’ve never gotten a single apology from my parents. i’m 20 and my bio dad has only been out of jail and in my life for 9 of those years. i’m 20 and i’ve never felt loved or cared for by anyone in my entire life. i’m 20 and i’ve been SA’d by 3 different people. i’m 20 and my body count is 70+ because i don’t feel like i have any other value than sexual. i’m 20 and i’m only now talking about this because during my early stages of social development i was completely isolated. i’m 20 and even if someone did love me i wouldn’t be able to accept it because my parents made me distrust everyone. i’m 20 and i don’t want to be 21.