Being alone

Hey man sorry you are going through it. Don't know you or your history / situation. So just giving free internet advise for what it's worth. In my case with the STBX for 17 years, married 12+ years, separated Oct 2021. For me isolation and solitude are good. And it's a good idea for a man to be comfortable in solitude, doesn't mean live here forever, but if you can't be alone with yourself then likely others can't either.

What is it that bothers you about being alone. Is it the present or the future? What happens if you spend 2 days with no outside contact? Do you get anxious, panic, depressed?? It's worth exploring what causes these feelings and addressing them. The danger is dependence and finding one's self not being true to yourself / compromising in order to keep others around; or prevent them from leaving.

Are you coming from a place of fear? Are you coming from a scarcity vs abundance mindset?

Highly suggest, if not already, working out more regularly. Consider joining a martial arts school, hiking or run meet up group, cycling group, etc. This does several things. Working out is great for depression, anxiety and mood stabilization. Also a way to meet new people in a safe environment. Consider therapy, the end of a ten year marriage is no small thing.

And as scary as this might sound consider taking 48hrs of no contact with anyone. No social media, no cell, no text. Online gaming but with no communication. I say this because what normally happens after the feeling of anxiety and worry is at the end you see that wasn't so bad. What most guys find is how bored they are!

No insult but only boring people get bored. There is so much going on and so little time to do it all, we can't afford to be bored. What most guys have done is they take all that empty and dead time, and they stick a women and relationship into it. She will suck up all available time! And without her there's this left over empty that you had never previously needed to address.

Nows the time to really learn more about yourself, and from there choose what kind of life you want. You need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. And that starts from isolation. Once you are the bad ass, you will have no trouble finding people (romantic or platonic) and more importantly, you can set firm boundaries and just walk away from BS in a way you couldn't when more dependent.

Good luck out there....

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What* do you do in your free time? Sounds like you need some hobbies or sports to participate in. Get a dog for company. Seriously. Unlike a wife, a dog is always happy to see you when you get home.

What happens when you’re alone that makes it unpleasant? I’m very out going and have a big personality. But when I get home from work I would rather be alone in my head. My 10 yr marriage was challenging for lots of reasons but having to share opinions dinner, lighting, temperature, volume of music, fan speed, who’s responsible for what. Just cohabitating in general was a struggle.

Were you happy in the marriage? Usually the good ones workout.

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If are you lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent.

First, reflect on the positives. You can do what you want, when you want, and without any of the strife or conflict that led to divorce. If you reframe, it can be a huge positive.

Second, at 45, definitely join your local community rec center or a well-outfitted gym, preferably one that is large, and has exercise machines, free weights, a pool and a spa/jetted hot water. There has to be something that is well-outfitted and for a reasonable price. You are going to want space and variety.

No matter the weather or conditions, you can always pop over to the club and do some exercise, do some pool laps, and when you are done, throw on your swim trunks, do a fast shower rinse, and head into the spa/heated water. I promise this will do wonders for your mental health, weight, fitness, conditioning, flexibility -- and go a long way to helping your sleep issues. This is critically important for you, and having a dedicated place to go with all the amenities right there really matters for mental and physical health. I specifically mentioned pool and spa because water exercise, I find, is a huge mood and health booster.

Third, definitely take advantage of online/virtual communities, whether that's Discord, online games, online/fantasy sports teams, or whatever else interests you. If it's late and you're feeling really alone, hop on Discord, a game, or whatever else and start chatting with people who have similar interests. This too goes a long, long way to alleviating an immediate feeling of loss and being totally alone.

This is just a start. But doing these few simple things, which will not take much effort at all, are some important, meaningful steps to getting your head right and your sleep back.

I know I gave all of my time and energy to my marriage and that hurt every aspect of my life. I used to think I hated almost everyone, and now I realize that is not true. Once I came to the realization that my wife is toxic and is destroying everyone around her, my hate and anger turned to sadness and feeling sorry for her. I see it like putting down the best dog you've ever had. Squeezing that trigger and killing a love like that is terribly hard, but must be done.

All of our stories are different, but if you don't make peace with the situation and accept yourself as who you are, you are destined to die angry, alone, and full of hate.

I wish I had something better.

Similar situation for me many years back now. A lot of the fear was of the unknown - my life just didn’t work without her (or so I thought).

The things that saved me:

(1)Focused on my health - started running and leaned how to enjoy it - read “Born to Run” by C McDougall seriously inspiring

(2) Ton of therapy - cost a lot but was worth it.

(3) Got connected spiritually

So when I see / hear someone going through this - I say focus three pillars (physical, mental and spiritual health).

Some are more easier than others - do what you can and I promise you every small step you take, will translate to miles traveled when you finally look back and see how far you’ve come.

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Men need to change this “Best friend” idea. Do you think a woman wants to fuck her best friend?

A wife is a lover, the opposite of a friend.

Been through it. You should see a counselor. Possibly your doctor. Work through this. Not sure what happened. But marriage needs 2 people to make it work.

Also work out every day if you can and eat healthy. As you become healthier your mental health will improve. I totally hear you on the best friend. I recommend joining a league or a hobby that you can meet people in down the road when your feeling better.

There are lots of Reddit forums you could get into. I have always been into fantasy sports, playing basketball, and then I started looking at the stock market to understand that. Of course you have to work around your work hours and $$$. I work a lot and don’t have a lot of discretionary money. You battle daily to stay in the light!

My best advice: don't be alone. Meet as many people on a daily basis as you can and cultivate your network of men. Relying solely on your wife for companionship is new thing and was never part of our culture until somewhat recently. Men used to have groups and meet ups and organizations. Get your self out there with other that you like and this really starts to go away. It's helped me a lot. Hang in there Brother. Also helping others ends up helping ourselves. Volunteer at a charity??

"Fear is a poor chisel in which to carve a life. "

I am very sorry that this is happening to you. Lots of great advice. I just wanted to add a few thoughts: if you are in good health and fit, with a decent income and career, your sexual market value will be good for many years to come; stay away from alcohol or drugs; go to the gym, buff up.

Here are some new ideas: join a dance class or two, or three. Most ballroom dance classes have more women that men, it will get you out of the house in a social environment where you meet women on a casual basis; get a dog, force you to have a regular routine, get out and walk, etc. A dog will help provide some emotional support and a cute dog will be a chick magnet.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

All the best to you.

All this advise is awesome but please take the advise if seeing a counselor or therapist! The internet is a great place but can very quickly become an echo chamber of vitriol and hate. Reddit has its good places (this is a prety good spot) but also its bad places. Some more subtle than others.

Read some books you'll find theres a few that get recommended here. One being "no more mr nice guy" i found this incredibly enlightening to my situation. Another one i found very helpful (and this sounds weird) "Polysecure". Both realy focus on you and how you act and contribute to your side of any relationship.

Best of all become the you you deserve! No one else is going to love you more or live with you longer than yourself. So learn to love you. Learn to live with you. And learn to be alone with yourself and then look at if you want or need someone else.

Thank you all for the great comments and suggestions. I know I need to keep myself busy. I just need to do it and get out of this funk. Therapy appointment has been made. I need to work on myself mentally and physically. This is all so hard, so new, and so scary. Little fears like getting sick and having no one to help me or needing any type of help are going through my kind as I don’t really have anyone. I’ll get past these thoughts, I know. Just sucks.

Hard to learn to live for yourself when you’ve been living for someone else for so long.