Birthdays?

Hello!

It's my birthday soon. And I guess like a lot of people, it is not a day I look forward to. Since my 12th birthday, I guess the expectation for it to be a special day for me made it more of the worst day of the year for me. Because, I didn't have friends. I started hating it when no one showed up for my birthday and I got no messages. It's hard also not to compare myself with other people who have great birthdays with their friends. Since then, I stopped invinting people. But it feels very lonely. I also have a very bad memory linked to it. One of my worst panic attack happened during one of my birthdays.

For the past few years, I have been trying to make new friends and the more honest kind. I'm not where I want to be yet but I feel like I am getting better.

So, here is my questionning : Should I lower my expectations for my birthday in general? So that I will feel less lonely because it will be like the other days? Is it even possible to lower such expectations? Or should I try to invite some people for the first time in years for my birthday? Is it even a thing adults do? And then, how am I supposed to do it? I know I won't do it this year... I already know that the few friends I made are all busy near my birthday time. And I'm also too scared no one will show up again. But I honestly don't even know where to strart to organize a birthday... and I don't know if I'll ever want and feel ready to celebrate my birthday...

I'm also afraid I'll just end up crying. I cry very easily on my birthday.

Thank you if you've read this. And if it's your birthday, happy birthday bro!