I'm severely depressed.

Throwaway because people around me use reddit and they might recognise me, etc etc.

I apologise if i ramble, my thoughts are racing and typing it out feels like hitting a bottleneck, by the end of the sentence i want to rant in a whole different direction.

I couldn't find a job in my profession so i had to work freelance. It worked out for a while and then most of my equipment died, forcing me to search for a "regular" job in the industry. After failing miserably because nobody is hiring i was forced to work retail in order to save to get my equipment back and continue freelancing. This is my second job in the span of 6 months and i hate it. I hated both jobs, infact, but had to keep going. I quit the first one after an argument with micro-managing supervisor, got the second one at a big eletronic store. I'm forced to sell things i don't even know what they do. I'm pressured everyday, for hours on end. I come home with no spare time to decompress, i get up just barely in time to shower, nibble on toast and leave.

I've struggled with depression from my young teen years. After my twenties i finally started to stabilize and there was a period of mostly good things. The occasional sad thought would come through, but i found bliss knowing it was temporary. They're not anymore.

I'm at a point in my life where the future seems dark in every direction, i fear i'll get stuck on a job like this forever, i fear even more not being able to handle it and chicken out like i feel i did the first job; and i especially fear having a meltdown sometime. I don't enjoy talking about myself, i don't talk with a lot of people, but i've been so scared of just "turning off" due to stress and depressive thoughts that i considered calling my mother. Its sickening, it feels childish, immature and mostly weak.

I was never going to do retail work; i knew the hell that it was and i knew that people who work in these areas are often very tough skinned. When i found myself with my hands tied, i knew what had to be done and i lost no time getting a CV together and searching everywhere and anywhere. The feeling of being a failure came as i started getting no responses, but it later subsided with these small "achievements". As i started these jobs, i quickly realized that any intelligence that i had was very hyper-focused on my usual work; the work that gave me some sort of joy doing. I got confronted with the fact that if i don't like it its very hard to memorize it. The most trivial of things.

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I'm stuck between not caring what happens to me; living as a third person observing my day-to-day life and pretending that whatever is happening isn't happening to "me", but rather this puppet i'm controlling, and caring too much, trying to turn things around but getting bombarded, everyday, with heart-reaping anxiety and depressive thoughts when i come home.

I feel as if i'm going to collapse any moment just from feeling hopeless. The things that brought me joy half a year ago don't really do much for me now. My hobbies got burned with my equipment breaking. I just want to be gone for a while.