My boyfriend’s birthday is in a week.

Covid has destroyed my body. My nervous system is wrecked. I’m constantly painfully bloated. My heart is always racing when i’m not laying down. I am in pain all the time. Doctors are practically useless. I’m so strung out at this point. Ive read people’s stories who’re still suffering years after acute infection. I am not a strong person. I was depressed way before becoming sick. I already had horrible derealization. It is so much worse now. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am so weak. Physically numb all the time. So many terrifying symptoms. So little is known about Covid and it’s after effects I feel so hopeless.

I was forced to move back in with my abusive family. I can’t work or go out. I’m afraid to take medication to treat symptoms and make things worse because nobody knows what’s really going on. I’m afraid any adverse side affects would be enough to kill me; my body is so weak. I’m so skinny now. Feels like i’m wasting away. Everyday is a nightmare.

My boyfriend’s birthday is next week and I might see him. I don’t want to kill myself before then. Or after really. I don’t want to ruin the month for him. But I’m so tired of being afraid all the time. I’m tired of suffering. It’s so funny that in my head suicide is the answer to being scared of dying from illness. I just feel so hopeless. He is the only good thing in my life. I want to wait I want to push through but I am not strong. I don’t want to do this anymore. No one can really help me unless I help myself and I am simply not strong enough. I wasn’t meant for this world.