Source
r/polyamory•
feel-electric

Can opening a relationship help libido in a LTR?

Ok so this may be a long post, please let me know if anything needs clarification.

My (23F - bisexual) boyfriend (24M - bisxual) and I have been together for 3 years. We both talked around being interested in group sex or opening a relationship early on and both want to explore our bisexuality which we have not yet done. We very much want to stay together but also would like to explore.

The other part in this is that I tend to lose my libido in a relationship about 6 months to a year in. I have vaginismus which makes sex very painful and have had it for about 10 years (possibly as a result of sexual assault.) But I find that when I'm with a new partner, I am too excited to mind the pain so I can be my normal sexual self.

My current theory is that as I stay in a long relationship, the honeymoon phase weans, and the hormones stop overflowing my brain and sex becomes painful again which then makes my brain become less interested in sex. We have been dealing with this for 2 years, and at a point I was completely sex repulsed. Now I masturbate 1-2 times a month and we are intimate about 1-2 times a month.

A year ago we had a threesome with another guy. I felt back to my "normal" sexual self, and enjoyed the experience and ended up feeling more charged up at home with my boyfriend as well. My boyfriend felt hurt that I was feeling sexual attraction with someone else after not being able to for so long with him alone.

We decided not to continue seeing the guy as we had things to work through. We are now at the point where opening up has been discussed again, whether that means threesomes, or separate dates we are not sure. My boyfriend is understandably feeling lost as to what to do. I have started sex therapy but am only 2 sessions in.

Basically my question is, is opening a relationship a valid response to lowered libido in long term relationships? Besides this, our relationship is great and stable, but we both want to be back to being sexual beings. Also, I understand that my boyfriend feels hurt that I may be turned on with someone else and not regularly at home as easily, but am unsure how to ensure him that it is not his fault.

Let me know if I can answer anything! I have all the books we should be reading (Polysecure, The Ethical Slut, Come as you are) and don't want to jump into things. We just aren't sure if this is a good or ethical choice.

*I'd like to add, I've been interested in open relationships since I was in high school and am not only seeing this as a solution to a problem but also something that I believe I want to pursue either way.

TLDR: I (23F - bisexual) have a low libido with my boyfriend (24M - bisexual) and think opening a relationship may help spark interest again.

Posted Nov 4, 2022, 1:38 AM UTC

29
karmicreditplanwill talk you to death •

Maybe!! But I’d also want to be doing a LOT more non PIV sex as part of your long term sexual relationship.

10
feel-electricOP•

yes that is what we usually do. interesting because starting off we had a lot of what I would call "different" sex because it wasn't PIV, but after some time we got stuck in the rut of it, which after being sex repulsed and having an aversion, working back up to sex even that isn't PIV has been difficult, but hoping it helps!

4
witchy_echos•

Have you tried to see a sex therapist or gynecologist about it? Because there are treatments for it. There’s even an app, Ferly, which I have found really helpful (I have vulvodynia and anxiety around sex due to medical issues I tried to push through). One of their series is Sex After Trauma and I found it very helpful.

5
feel-electricOP•

None of my gynos in the past would even talk to me about the pain since they “weren’t qualified” enough. I’ve been to 1 pelvic pain specialist and he was a nightmare and they wouldnt refer me anywhere else. I’ve since moved, so I have a new Gyno appointment in a few weeks! Also am in sex therapy as of last month, but not covered by insurance so have only been going biweekly.
I tried Ferly before but need to try again! I have vestibuladynia also which is similar to you!

1
witchy_echos•

I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad experience! I personally won’t see male doctors who specialize in reproductive organs they don’t have. I was referred to a gynecologist who specifically specialized in pain because my general pain doctor doesn’t handle that type of stuff.

I have also seen some improvement with Physical Therapy for my pelvic floor. Specifically abodominal manipulation has helped as well. There’s a muscle that attaches to your pelvic floor that goes diagonally across abdomen that gets really right on me (probably due to gastro pain) and winds up pulling on everything down to my cliteral hood. It’s also helped me learn how to release tension.

2
feel-electricOP•

Yes I definitely wont go to a man again! I was just young and couldnt advocate for myself. But I’m glad youve found some relief!

1
AnotherIronicPenguin•

It can, sure but it isn't going to solve your problems. Individual counseling and possibly anxiolytics for your vaginismus might be worth considering.

4
_whatnot_ open quad•

In a strange, cobbled together way, yeah, it could be an unorthodox coping mechanism for a challenging medical situation. But it would be a hassle logistically to ride those waves. Even more important right now, it seems like your BF might not be one of the few people who would be up for such a setup in the long-term, at least not happily and healthily.

3
feel-electricOP•

Yeah he definitely knows he needs to take his time. He has a date tomorrow actually that may end up being just friends but he doesn’t know yet! He definitely wants to open more for exploration and is eager to do that, and I am more hoping it can fix the issue at hand

1