To add to this, if in doubt, aim lower! It hurts far less to have my upper thigh slapped than my lower back

Thanks! We have talked about it. She’s perfectly ok with it.

Man... General question here (and maybe just rhetorical or philosophical), it seems to me like "sub drop" is just a response to trauma, and then some aftercare just makes it okay?

(I'm fully aware of all the studies saying BDSM practitioners are actually more emotionally stable than the general population and stuff and I'm not being accusatory or anything like that. I'm just pondering, is all this stuff *really* "harmless"? Or even, empowering?)

Something else you need to discuss beforehand with her, likely after an intense spanking session she may experience "sub drop" feeling low, sad, unhappy.

Aftercare varies depending on the person but is mainly comfort provided by the top (in this case you) it normally takes the form of hugs, cuddles, reassauring words of how happy you are to have been able to do that. maybe a skincare routine on the area being spanked and a massage.

Have a talk with her but sometimes comforting snacks or drinks help. mine loves popcorn, cuddles and blankets (:  


Edit, sorry OP didn't realise it wasn't you asking!

Could you elaborate on the aftercare part?

Make sure she agrees to that first.

Focus only on the ass, and other meaty parts; avoid the tailbone and \*especially\* the lower back.

Start slowly and softly; warming up the skin first makes drawing blood less likely.

If you haven't already discussed it, I'd highly recommend talking about aftercare before you do this, since it seems as though you're fairly inexperienced.

Most importantly, follow the number 1 rule of kink: have fun, and make sure your partner is having fun, too! Communicate and check up on each other regularly and often to make sure you're both good with what's happening. (you may want to have an in-between safe word, e.g. "Yellow," for when one of you doesn't like what's going on, but still wants to continue the scene, just without that element/softer.)

Thanks! Yes I wasn’t planning on going full throttle on her. Just “harder than in the past.” We’ve normally done around 20-30 pops in the past. I’d like to maybe extend that out more.

I have never cried before. And I have been subjected to pain that left deep, big bruises on my thighs and ass. What I do is laugh. Some pain makes me go into a kind of meditative state, some makes me laugh, fear, warm and fuzzy, hot, or makes me completly forget everything around me. 

So OP, you can also try out different kinds of pain. Open hand, fist, edgd of your hand, etc. All produce different kinds of pain that your partner might react differently to. 

Knowing what atmosphere you want to create is good. Do you want to have it with lots of giggles during it?  Than you could add hitting to the rhythm of a silly song you sing. 

Do you want it more hot, or more meditative or more of a fearful atmosphere?

I’ve done trivia but about me 😂 my favorite things, dates, my likes and dislikes… things ranging from super obvious, to small things I’ve mentioned, to things he should be able to piece together. But you’re right, if they’re in a position like that it’ll be really difficult.

Not the person you responded to but I love playing mind games while spanking, here's a few I find the hottest:

1. Asking someone to count each spank is great and a classic among spankos but I like to mix it up, I will ask my bottom to count in the Fibonacci sequence (aka add the last two numbers) or say I will spank them to 20 but then say "count up" or "count down" and watch them struggle to keep track and deal with being close but not enough.

2. I will ask them trivia, a favorite time is once I asked for them to name every Christmas reindeer in tune with each hit. It was also at a play party so it's fun (and also humiliating) to hear *slap* dancer...*slap* prancer...etc... If they miss they get hit on the thigh. In my opinion the easier the question the more fun because even if the question is easy your bottom will be so wrapped up in a million different emotions that answering silly trivia is not even a high priority.

3. I usually play music if spanking at home, I will at some po

I would love to hear more suggestions about type of mind games you play on someone you’re spanking. That sounds very hot!

And some people (me. Ugh) have a really hard time crying in scenes, so even though I've done some truly heavy impact, I've yet to cry in a scene other than when a safe word is used (which is not the kind of cathartic cry I'm wanting, it's very unpleasant). It might take an amount of pain near or past your comfort level as a dom to make your sub cry if she's like me. Be prepared for the possibility of failure and to comfort her if she can't cry and is really trying to. And as always with impact, start slow and warm up from there

Exactly!  I can get to a really painful point where I am about ready to safeword with spanking or even other impact toys, and not be at all teary eyed.

Just be wary that everyone has a different pain tolerance. She might not cry even when you might have caused excessive damage to the impact area. 

I think it’s safer to create a limit that isn’t “until she cries”. As in, set a number of spanks, or until you notice a certain level of redness/bruising.

Why? Because she might not cry but you might hurt her enough that this bruising might cause unwanted discomfort in the aftermath. So, set expectations regarding how hard you are willing to go, and be mindful of the consequences after play time and how she wants to manage them. A quantifiable limit is better imo.

Also, if it’s going to be more prolonged spanking, don’t go straight for non stop spanks. Play eenie meenie miney mo with her but cheeks with light taps and randomly surprise her with a spank when she least expects it. Caress her skin and lift your hand as if you’re going to spank but just go back to caressing it, making her think she’s going to be struck at that moment. Play mi

Work your way up. Don't give her 100% right out of the gate. You gotta let those endorphins build up so she enjoys the pain more (like a tattoo if you've ever had one). Once she's good and red start giving her the business. Trust that she will use the safeword if it's too much.

-Mr.G

Lots of good advice I see! When I switch and need a good cry from a spanking it has less to do with the actual pain, and more the emotion and state of mind. 

I’ve been balling giant crocodile tears from long otk hand spankings before, because of the way he scolded me (consensually) for something I felt very guilty about or just from stress build up.  But I’ve also had times where I’m still giggling and wanting more when my butt had enough of a leather belt or paddle and we had to stop. So I’m sure it depends on each person, their presence in the scene. I think you should really take it slow and have fun learning what you both like over a period of time (and many spankings!).

Also the pressure of wanting to cry for someone might do the opposite. I need to be in a very relaxed, comfortable, almost subspacy going into it.

Found this impact play map: https://www.devianceanddesire.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/BDSMImpactSafeZones_121117.jpg

It's a commonly used "map" with green yellow and red areas marked where you can safely spank or shouldn't spank.

warm ups - pat pat pat spank. rinse and repeat until she builds up a little and then you can go light spank light spank light spank hard spank.

depending on your constitution - use gloves. I use pilot gloves to protect my hands if i am doing long sessions of free hand spanking. alternatively use a paddle. i recommend a softer semi flexible paddle.

also - learn the spank map.

Are you planning on a hand spanking on the bare or using implements? If its the latter then maybe experiment with 'stingy' vs 'thuddy' in advance?  


Lotion for aftercare rubs?

Warm wet towel on my ass is amazing aftercare along with sweet kisses and cuddles

Tips? No, use your whole palm.

/I'll see myself out

I would calibrate first. Try a couple of impacts and she can give you an intensity rating of 1 to 10 so you know how hard you are hitting. Arnicare for after care for bruises. Biofreeze if necessary for pain. Have fun💜

Have some soothing aloe gel on hand for afterwards. She may not need it before you start, but she may need it when you’re done. Plus you get to rub her ass. Win win. Don’t forget to rub the ass between her legs… It goes all the way in there I promise! 😉

Some would say it's not a real spanking until there are tears.

Some tips:

Do a 'sensual spanking' where you apply the strokes AFTER she counts the number. This lets her adjust the pace.

Have a mirror. Position yourself to be able to see her face.  Watching her face tells you if you can hit harder or need to lighten up.

Warm up spanking - experienced spankos often do a warm up with a hand or soft belt to redden the area. Then there is a break to allow the blood to flow into the area. This can pad the deeper tissue to reduce bruising for the harsher spanking to follow.

AFTERCARE

She is allowing you to paddle her to tears. Right after the spanking she needs cuddles, hugs and you telling her how proud you are how she took her spanking.  There is often even more tears at this point.

I also strongly suggest more after-care or a 'check in' the next day.  My own demons come up in the night and a lot of guilt & shame are waiting to greet me the next morning. Having my play partner call a

Make sure to communicate with your partner and research is a must, there are certain parts that will harm them if you hit them there so you need to be careful where you hit, if you are using a toy like a cane or paddle just things like that you should do research about that as well and some people prefer to practice on a item (like a pillow or something) before attempting to use it on their partner, even if it is just your hand you should still do research on where is ok to spank them and lots of communication

I’ve always been one to want to spank her to try and redden her ass or to get a little yelp but recently I’ve had a fantasy where I want to spank her hard enough to create tears in her eyes. Any tips on safety? We’ve got the safewords down.

First time really spanking her. Tips?