Waiting for the Midnight Train with Jessie
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Posted Nov 4, 2022, 4:11 PM UTC · edited
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I really liked this. I had one thought, take or leave, what if you said as memories of Jessie take her place? (instead of take my place). Not a critical thought, was just thinking it would define her being gone more in that stanza. Beautiful read. The fear welling up in him is palpable and the regret after she's gone is so heavy. Really enjoyed this.
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I thought of putting it that way and did so for a while, but i wanted to make the reveal that she's gone in the final line more startling. I felt that saying that earlier would be sort of a thematic spoiler (not that I expect my reader to be dumb enough to not realise that that stanza describes the train, of course). In this context its meant to show how hes spacing out from the moment. it's also a tribute to dylan's 'visions of johanna,' which goes, 'and these visions of johanna have now taken my place.' anyway, thanks for the feedback! Glad you enjoyed :)
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Wow, I love this! I've read it at least five times, and each time I discover more.
At first I wondered about the slow start and then sudden dramatic finish, but on reading through again it feels masterful. I start in a gentle, calm and comforting space, and then subtly realise that a change is coming. Your repetition of
all is hushed, all but a distant rumbling to my left,
And Jessie’s here.<
Implies that everything is stable, and ok, yet I start to feel uneasy. Then all of a sudden I'm swept up in emotion!
I like your use of "Jessie's memories take my place". Memories taking HER place would be predictable, but here it feels like you're being ripped out of the moment by fear and anguish. She's still there, but you aren't. And then you wish you had been more present. It really captures your regret and get a sense of loss.
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Thanks for the kind words! I must give credit to Dylan for that line (from visions of johanna. it goes 'and these visions of johanna have now taken my place)
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I got 'as memories of Jessie take my place' from a Dylan song. First to name it wins a cookie
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Really cool poem! You do a great job of depicting the imagery and communicating the internal monologue of the speaker. I think the first two stanzas are my favorite as they characterize you and Jessie very well and show you both as being dynamic and likable. Then in the end when you reword the repeating line and say the train can be heard on the right its a very powerful line. Enjoyed this narrative style poem, thanks! (:
Thanks for reading! Very glad you enjoyed it :D