TIFU by getting dragged by my husband across the globe
[removed]
Posted Nov 6, 2022, 3:38 PM UTC
2K171
Moving to a new country is always hard, you're probably also experiencing culture shock, which makes it extra hard!
Are there any things you like about the country? Is there any chance you could take lessons to learn the language a bit better to feel more comfortable?
And if it's all no and you've decided you hate the country and everything that comes with it- is there any chance you can go back home?
Maybe your husband is so excited to be back in his homecountry he's blinded to you struggling without meaning to?
I'm sorry you feel that way, that sounds really hard.
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Forst of all: you might feel lonely now, but this feeling will pass. Your son loves you unconditional. It's your son. Your husband should love you too. Take a stance and talk to him. Tell.him.you need a bit of support. See how everything proceeds. If you can't find a glimpse of happiness, could you consider telling your family to go back home?
What do you wish for? Clarify that for yourself. Suicide is never an option because starting a new might be troublesome but it always opens up new possibilities! Figure out what works best for you :)
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I hope it’s not Pakistan or a similar country
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You got some downvotes but its true.
For a western person(!) with issues of self-esteem / confidence there are few countries worse to move to than muslim countries with large populations.
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Especially ones without womens rights
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Where you can leave, but you can’t take your children.
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Exactly
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.. so all of them?
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Some countries manage to go into negatives
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Like the US?
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I may have to drive a couple states over for an abortion but at least I can get birth control and get a divorce if my “husband” is raping me
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It's the Philippines actually, a simple look at OPs profile would show you. But you know reddit 🤓 "FoR a WeStErn PeRsOn".
As if you don't treat minorities horribly in Europe.
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Even worse Iran
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UAE?
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I’m not saying it’s a great place, but UAE is definitely a step up from Iran.
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They've straight up got slavery. Fuck the UAE
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Fuck all those asshole countries
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And there we go.
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Based on her post history, it might be Philippines
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Unless she's in a very rural place, then she doesn't really need to worry about being restricted as a woman any more than she would in a Western country. Though even in a rural area, it's not so bad esp as most people wouldn't try to make a foreign woman follow their values. English is widely spoken (it's taught continuously through all levels of schooling and most media is consumed in English), though with varying degrees of proficiency. She likely won't have much trouble navigating if she needed help or something.
So what I'm saying is, she shouldn't feel wary of speaking up. If there's trouble, that's not gonna come from the country's cultural norms. That's gonna come from the husband being a selfish dick.
Edit: if she's in the PH btw, she should look up her meds. They are probably much cheaper than where she's from. Call a Mercury Drug store (the biggest pharmacy franchise in the country) and ask them how much they are.
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I looked at her history too, but my conclusion is that she is a Pinay and they moved form the Philippines to husband's country.
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Literally the exact same thing happened to me! On maternity leave, husband decided it was time to go live in his home country, also on auto pilot I went along with it. It never got better, even moving out of in laws it was lonely and isolating and I moved back with my son after 6 months.
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Damn, I hope things got better after returning home. I can't believe people are so clueless/egotistical to think they can make such big decisions without consulting their partner. What the fuck is wrong with people?
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Where does it say they weren't consulted? It sounds more like they abdicated all responsibility for their lives.
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I'm going off of "husband decided."
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[deleted]
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You have been off meds for 4 years due to financial reasons but you had the funds to pack up and move to another country? Does at least this country have health care so you can get your meds?
You need to prioritize your health ASAP or you'll end up dead or incapacitated. Seriously, lady. You have to talk to your husband and tell him that he has to help you get medical treatment now and get your meds.
Also, it's been 13 days; your husband probably missed his family so I don't think you can say he is acting like a man child after 13 days unless he was always like this.
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"It was a harrowing process, and I admit I had been primarily on autopilot, because who else would take care of the logistics and move like a functional adult (packing, sorting things, endorsing stuff that would be left behind, etc)"
yes he's always been like this.
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Kinda forward make assumptions about a relationship off a single reddit post.
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its called reading comprehension.
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I am also living in my husband’s home country right now and experiencing loneliness and homesickness, living in a MIL’s place is the pits! However, it was completely my choice and it’s a great non-misogynistic place, just not home. If you want to vent, I’m here for you.
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There’s another in a similar situation 💕
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It is NEVER to late honey
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Exactly!! What happens in the really hard times? Nerve wracking in many many ways now and possibly in the future. How can one confront so much with out a open dialogue to their partner? You have to follow what you believe will bring you to your happiest self.
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Depends on the country? (Or are you talking about the self-ending ideation?)
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I'm talking about how its never to late to try to talk or to try to move back home, she can reach out to family back home, etc, there are ALWAYS resources
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If she’s in one of several middle eastern countries, father has all the rights. She’d be lucky to get herself out, but her child and any funds?
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We don’t know. So why bring this up and keep saying it could be impossible???
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To learn grammar
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Its Reddit, who cares that I missed a comma, literally only you
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To -> too lol
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Again, no one cares except you
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Not being able to make decisions for yourself isn't normal. You can't be a good mother for your son if you don't prioritize yourself first. Remember the saying - you can't burn yourself to keep someone else warm.
Doesn't sound like your husband is that great either to be honest - why has he not prioritized your meds? If he has the funds to move you halfway across the world, he has funds to help you with your meds.
Please don't lose your independence. My mother did after we moved to a new country and I honestly hate her for it. She used to be so self sufficient and powerful when I was younger, and then we moved and she became completely dependent on my dad because of language differences and because she doesn't feel confident. I wish she did. She only started getting bolder in her 60s (!!) and asking my dad for more of what she needs in life. Do you want to wait for your 60s before you stand up for yourself?
You need to have a lost of honest conversations with yourself and your husband. If he isn't prioritizing your health - mental or physical - then why are you still with him?
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Sadly, the fund for meds part isn't true. The money needed to move across the world might be enough to last 6 months of meds. My family did this move (Vietnam to US) so I should know the material cost. OPs should actually consider going to an international hospital at this country and get her meds. She likely can afford her meds in this country, unlike in the US.
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MESSAGE ME if you need to talk! I’m not great at talking but I can 100% understand how you’re feeling. I lived abroad with my ex husband, completely alone until our daughter was born, but still alone because he just wasn’t THERE WITH me on an emotional or mental level and when I tried to learn his native language, I was made fun of when I attempted to speak it. I lost all confidence overall because of how our situation was…I was miserable and he didn’t care…anyway I’m rambling, please reach out to me if you need to talk….SERIOUSLY!
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Also here’s another woman in a similar situation 💕
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You are not spineless, by any means. You are beyond brave, moving to a new country and culture foreign to you, having no other connection other than your husband. You did this because you believed it would be beneficial for your child, without care to the potentially negative impact to yourself. Do you have any family or friends back home who may be able to help you and your child return? Reach out, even if it’s been far too long since you last spoke. You need to establish those lifelines, they will help you keep the hope of being able to free yourself from your current situation. Start hiding money away for your eventual escape. This is not permanent, just remember that, it’s only temporary. You have the strength in you to carry on and the will to free yourself, it won’t be easy, but I know you can do it. If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. And even when you don’t have the strength to believe in yourself, know that I do. 🥰 Sending love, hugs, and strength.
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First off, you weren't humiliated. You were embarassed. There's a huge difference between the two.
Second- Something very important to learn when using a new language, especially around native speakers is that you WILL mess up pronounciation and might accidentally say something else entirely.
For example in Chinese "Mom" and "Horse" are both "Ma" but the accent on the "a" changes whether it means mom or horse.
Someone just learning the language is not going to be able to enuciate the accent properly so they might accidentally call their mom a horse.
You can see how that'd be funny to a native speaker right? So it's okay to be embarassed, you just have to practice the language more.
Third- Like everyone else said, you're probably dealing with culture shock. It feels scary and lonely to be in a new country where no one speaks your native language. Maybe communicate with your husband that you are having a hard time adapting and see if there's anything the both of you can do to help. You could even reach out to your MIL and see if there's anything she could do to help you adjust.
Keep your head up and remember to be open to new experiences. If you keep thinking about how good things used to be, you won't be able to see how much better the future could be.
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I just gave up on Chinese with my in-laws.
I just call her Horse in English now.
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I can't believe OP shared she is suicidal and everyone is just piling judgment on her. Like wtf people. There is always a lot more to the story than we get in a little blurb. The lack of empathy on here is kind of shocking.
OP, I encourage you to try to find whatever community of people from your home country that may exist where you are. Language classes are also a great way to meet other people who will have more understanding about what you are going through, even if they are from other places. All being foreigners together somewhere can be a very uniting experience.
Lastly, I don't know if it's available in the country you're in, but the Crisis Text Line is international, so you may try googling it to see what it is where you are. Otherwise, there may be something comparable where you are that you can reach out to. You need to take care of yourself before you can be able to take care of others well.
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Can afford plane tickets, can’t afford meds. I hope you moved to a country with national healthcare.
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These abbreviations are getting out of hand. What is a SAHM?
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Stay at home mom (SAHM) is a very common abbreviation on social media, especially here on Reddit
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First time I've ever seen it
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Welcome to the daily 10.000 people group that learn something new every day
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That doesn't make it "common". I bet on certain subreddits it is very common
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Thanks! As a non-American I find it hard to follow all the trends.
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Stay at home mom. Took me a while as well.
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[deleted]
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Dude. No one asked.
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I think it's stay at home mom, but I agree, just type it out.
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Right! I mean, what is she going to do with the three seconds she saved by not typing it out?
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She’s actually a SHSAHM.
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Should have stayed at home mom
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I imagine someone coming to a North European winter from South Asia. Must be depressing.
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Stay at home Mom.
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“Stay at home mom”
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Stay at home mom
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stay at home mom
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why do you people choose to post such traumatic shit here and on r/aita instead of r/relationshiphelp or something?
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cause they fucked up
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First. Can I say this. Please realise your husband is going through his own adjustment period. Perhaps that is causing the "man-child" behaviour, Being back with his own mother has triggered this.
Second. Spare a thought for your son. This is probably a big adventure for him at the moment, but I am guessing he has never known anything other than where you came from. He is going to suffer loss too.
Thirdly. You are the most important person to both your son and your husband, they would be beyond devastated if you ever did anything rash, If you did, your son is likely to follow suite, or at least want to for the rest of his life.
Fourthly. You are the most important person to you. If you cannot care for yourself, you cannot care for the most important people in your life and that in turn will make you feel worse. Its a downward spiral. take it from someone who knows.
Lastly. Action time: Please do the following. Does your new country have universal health care? I hope so (your old country didn't so going back is counter productive). But even if not, go see a suitable physician and get yourself back on your meds. This is a must in the short term. You need to get some equilibrium back. At the same time pull your husband aside quietly and say to him you are not coping. Say you are really struggling with the language barriers and the whole move. Now this part is important. Do not threaten him in any way. do not say you want to unalive yourself. Most people cannot deal with that and don't know how to respond, they may even respond badly, but not intentionally. Please save that for your doctor.
TLDR: be empathetic your family is going through an adjustment period, not just you. Get yourself back to a doctor and on your meds ASAP. Do not wait, it is more important than money. Lastly gently tell your partner you are really struggling try to do it without tears and do not use emotional blackmail. In place of tears use hugs, for a male a hug means an awful lot and can help them understand your needs are serious, it will help trigger the protective response.
I do not want to come across in any way other than to give you the love and strength you need to take the next step. remember that. You only need to worry about the next step. The steps beyond that are in the future and should be dealt with in the future.
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Telling her not to cry is about a bit unfair, ain't it?
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Not really, I am trying to say that she will get more traction with her husband if she can remain calm. I know that's not always possible in the given situation which is why I said "try".
She will be able to get her feelings across better without tears.
Perhaps you have better advice?
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10 words into the sentence and I was like 'A man wrote this'...
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Yes I am male, so my point of view on how to deal with a male is valid.
I would never tell a male how to deal with a woman as I do not have the experience.
Of course if you know better please feel free to offer your advice and let her choose the path that works for her.
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OP. You need to see a doctor yesterday. If you do one thing today, make an appointment. If you’re a threat to yourself go to the nearest hospital. I am not saying this from a place of judgement, rather understanding. Get help. It will get better.
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I mean he was in your country 10 years. Maybe give it a bit more than 13 days. I don't mean this in a mean aggressive way. I'm saying give it a fair chance.
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Wait why would you give a fuck what teenagers think of you, under any circumstances? I understand you have mental helath issues and wish you well with that, but there is nothing more fundamental than the fact that the opinions of teenagers means nothing. This is ground zero of being an adult.
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Anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence reading this realizes that it's not about the teenagers and that when shit's really bad, even the most absurd things can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. She is emotionally alone in a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language. Get off of your high horse.
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Lots of comments on other facets of this. No need to address them all in one go.
No high horse, just a reminder that teens are meaningless, and not part of her complicated, multifaceted adult life.
I'll go even further, other ADULTS shouldn't matter, if subbed into the same story.
I hope this person gets the medical help they need, based on their identification that they've been under provided for in the past.
I even said all that with a nod to the mental health. It doesn't help people to just give them a baby faced "oh no sooop saddd" but instead to help alert them that some responses are not healthy or normal, and should be addressed. Holing up in your room because teenagers laughed at you about being bad with language (indeed amongst other ongoing stressors, but still) is not ok, and deserves legitimate mental assistance.
Frankly this is possibly the worst possible venue for OP to have shared this story and if OP is to be believed, they made a very long series of mistakes to get here. (Indeed with a shitty handful of life conditions they couldn't control). Some reality-checking is in order, promptly followed by professional care. At this point that high horse is a mini pony in the mud. This is not victim blaming, this is a glimpse of reality.
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I appreciate your thoughtfulness here. Thanks for expanding on your initial reaction- you've made some really good points.
(I realize that I now sound like I am addressing you from a high horse, but I have to admit that I also have exasperated reactions to people's emotions that come out in the same tone as, "wait why would you give a fuck what teenagers think of you, under any circumstances?". My intention is a "glimpse of reality" in those moments, but maaaaan that is not how it's usually received.)
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This guy's other comments just let us see he's a bit of a contrarian.
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And has zero respect for the profound presentation of mental illness.
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When I was at a particularly low point once in my life I washed a load of laundry with some chocolates in a pocket. I broke down sobbing on the floor when I realized.
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Oh, that's brutal, though! Did the rest of your laundry get chocolatey?
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Tell your husband how you feel. It’s not going to be a fun conversation but you’re literally over here thinking about suicide, no conversation supersedes that no matter how hard it is
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and tell your family, including your MIL how you feel. Your opinion matters and should be counted just as much as everyone else’s
I hope things get better for you. Godspeed
Hitching a ride on top comment for visibility. I'm friends with quite a few expats and mixed-nationality families. The first few months of moving to a new country can be incredibly difficult, especially if its their first time away from home.
What we find usually helps them is:
Find a community outside your family. For expats, this is often the community supported by your embassy. For instance, my embassy abroad often hosts social dinners where you can meet other people of your nationality. There are also often embassy supported women's groups, because you're sure as hell not the only person who is feeling like a fish out of water while abroad.
Mindset change: if you're abroad for the long haul having a mindset that you don't fit in and are in a foreign land will just cause you additional stress. This is your new home. It's an opportunity to explore, have new experiences, try new things with your husband and son. Of course, this will take time and will depend on the country, but I've met many husbands and wives who end up loving their spouse's home country and call it their second home.
Of course, all this is predicated by having your family's support and certainly depends on where you are. Do share your feelings and thoughts with your husband and work together to take steps so you feel less alone. I'm sure you can make it work.
This is great advice one of the things I took an active role in when my wife moved to my country is I found a group of people near our age from her country so she had a sort of anchor and to keep her culture and language. She's branched out and befriended many from other countries since being here but it was definitely the hardest in that first year
This sounds a little like toxic positivity to me. Maybe that's not the right term but this comment made me uncomfortable.
Terrible advice until we know the country she is currently in. Not every country is like western countries and this could result in beatings, her child being taken from her, or worse.
I agree! Come up with a plan before giving them reasons to take your child or send you away. Please be well...