I was unfaithful, and I'm the one that's angry.

My ex Jon and I met each other in college and were together for almost three years. Throughout our relationship, we broke up so many times that I can't even remember how many. He is very much focused on himself, and I, on the other hand, have attachment issues. A perfect combo. Although I was independent (with having work, home, car, etc.), I did depend on him for emotional support, and he would tell me he's too busy for me, tell me he can only focus on himself, break up with me, then knock on my front door a few days later. We did not see eye-to-eye, but we loved each other very much. When all is good, it's extremely great. When there's something wrong, it's extremely bad. We said a lot of things we didn't mean to each other, then make up. It was a cycle we both knew we needed to break, and every time we tried, we kept falling back.

Fast forward to after graduation, we decided to live together. I wasn't going to stay in the city, but he asked me to stay and live with him. I thought great, maybe that will give us the quality time I needed, but I was wrong. We argued a lot. He would always yell at me, call me names, and break things. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize. I wanted to leave. I almost signed a new lease so I could go but I was so afraid of being out there alone. I don't have any family. I had no one to run to.

One day a friend introduced me to her friend, Keon. I spent a lot of time playing online games with that friend group, and then it turned into just Keon and me talking every night. He's funny, clever, and he understands me. He lived in a different state, and I just so happened to have been wanting to visit that state, so we planned on it. I grew closer to him, and our conversations became more than friendly.

During this time, Jon and I weren't talking as much as before, and we argued less and less everyday, because I would spend my days working, then running errands, then playing video games all night instead of hanging out with him, because it would mean higher risk of getting each other triggered.

One of my biggest regrets was lying when Jon asked if there was someone else. I should've said yes. As I was becoming more distant, he was starting to try harder to be more caring, communicative, calmer. I was already on my way out, but I backed out. I thought, he's finally trying and it can actually work out. I waited it out to see if our relationship would improve, but we weren't getting that far. And Keon was giving me all the right things at the wrong time. I had to make a choice, but I didn't make it on time.

Jon went through my phone and read my texts while I was sleeping. You'd think he would just leave and tell me to fuck off. Well he did, that day and slept at his buddy's house. The next day he came back and we had sex. He said that nothing could compare. We remained surprisingly civil for a couple of weeks until I moved out.

Jon came by a few times after I left, telling me it was him that was wrong. He wasn't. I had my own issues, but he asked to work things out. I couldn't. What's done is done. I could only picture the nights I cried myself to sleep, the times our friends heard us fighting, the times I begged him to stop yelling. I was out and could not go back, even if I wanted to try for the last time. There was too much history. And there's the guilt of me falling for someone else.

I hate to admit it but if I hadn't met someone else, I would've stayed. That's when I thought that maybe it wasn't for love that we were together for that long. But rather we were very emotionally attached to each other.

I hated myself for feeling so hopeless and lonely whenever I'm alone. I keep latching on to people that show any sort of care for me. I always ask myself why I couldn't be more emotionally and mentally independent. I can only blame my childhood trauma, but I can't have it affecting people around me, and I can't have it controlling me forever. So I hated myself for it.

Some time passed. Keon and I stayed in contact. I finally visited him, and we clicked. Our relationship was so natural, warm, loving, comfortable. I didn't feel like I had to pretend nor change who I was, like I did in my previous relationship. When I was about to go home, I told him I wish we had more time together, and he didn't hesitate to fly back with me. He never made me feel like I ask for too much. The only thing I was overthinking about was the fact he moved in so quickly. I was anxious about moving too fast, what people thought of it, if I was even ready, but at the same time I've never been happier. He always reassured me, said he would help me heal through my trauma. He gave me love that I needed.

We've been together for a year now. He is the best. He's my best friend, my lover. He makes me laugh. Sometimes he makes me cry, but he would never let me sleep sad or mad. He listens to me. He compromises without making me feel bad. It's the little things that I asked Jon to give me.

I'm writing this because I don't think I ever processed my break up. I'm so used to pushing my feelings aside, distracting myself, and repressing my memories. Now I'm breaking down and feeling everything.

I recently found out that he's been going on dates. I'm genuinely happy for him, but I can't help but feel angry that he's treating someone else so much better than he treated me. I feel like a placeholder, a lesson for him to treat the next one better. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way, because it's been awhile and I don't want Keon to think I still have lingering feelings. I don't ever want to go back, but I do feel guilty and have regrets. I should've left Jon a long time ago. I'm mostly angry at myself for hurting him. Maybe if I had 'fixed' myself before getting in a relationship, then maybe I would've been more emotionally independent, and our relationship wouldn't have been so sour.

This past week I've been wanting to talk to him, tell him I'm sorry and hope that he forgives me, because despite everything, he was my best friend. Today I'm letting this off my chest so I don't have to text him. I have to let him be happy, and I also have to forgive myself for what I did. It's easy to say I made a mistake, I learned from it, and I would never hurt someone like that again. But it's not that easy to do, especially when the person you hurt meant the world to you at some point, and there's nothing you can do to take it back.

Jon, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.