A profound realization: The mind can be addicted to suffering

For context, I am someone who has struggled with frequent bouts of depression. Recently, I decided to meditate upon my negative feelings. I wanted to go deep, and really discover the root cause of this suffering…

So I went deep. I allowed myself to observe and investigate my negative emotions. I recall myself thinking: “why do I feel so bad right now?”. This led to another thought: “why do I feel so bad all the time ?”…

I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t a particular reason. Same thing when I asked myself why I felt so bad in the past. No discernible reason.

Then, an interesting concept occurred to me:

“Maybe, on a subconscious level, I somehow enjoy suffering”…

That was my epiphany. It was a perspective I had never even considered before. As I continued on observing my thoughts, things started to click.

Upon further reflection, I realized that my mind has this profound ability to make me feel like absolute shit for no apparent reason.

So, if these negative thoughts aren’t coming from my conscious mind, where are they coming from?

I then realized how my own mind has been programmed to subconsciously seek out suffering.

The subconscious mind has this powerful ability to confirm it’s own beliefs by subtly impacting conscious actions. This is what causes people to perform destructive behavioural patterns without realizing why.

I suddenly became acutely aware of how my own subconscious beliefs have subtly been sabotaging me.

I came to the conclusion that the majority of my suffering can be traced back to the subconscious. I have a subconscious desire to feel bad. And I think it’s due to an internalized belief that I deserve to feel bad.

In this way, my mind has an addiction to suffering.

And I believe that many other people are also experiencing something very similar to this. Suffering due to the subconscious belief that one deserve to feel bad.