My biracial Journey Poem
My Biracial Journey
For me, being a biracial child in the 1980’s and 90’s was a time of identity confusion
Any perceived level of stability and confidence others thought I had was a more comfortable assumption (for them) but just an illusion
As a child, I wanted to be White
Peoples’ comments, magazines, tv, the news, and more instilled in my mind that “White was right”
I wanted to be white like my mom because I desperately wanted to belong
Even though I realized feeling this form of self-hatred was “wrong”
Being stared at while out in public with my mom was hurtful to me
Why couldn’t ADULTS of all shades be more aware and not make things more uncomfortable for me?
Are you adopted? People would ask my mom and I
When I would say “no” I was sometimes accused of telling a lie
That hurt me so deeply that I wanted to cry
People denying that Melanie, the biological mother that raised and gave birth to me was some made up lie!
Being a “black girl” was perceived as a negative thing -whether people choose to believe that or not
You are not the norm; you are different is the message that I got
During these times, I was most often labeled as “just black” and nothing more
Denying my European and Jewish roots from the mother I adored
On occasion, this was not always the case
Some people would ask me if I was biracial, which put me in a more comfortable place
Because that is what I ACTUALLY AM!
With genetic roots from BOTH an African AND a European ancestry from two equally important fams
As a child, I wanted to at least be accepted for who I am since I knew I could never be “just white”
If most of the world could have just given me that, it would have lessened my confusion and decreased my internal emotional identity fight
I kept my feelings inside because I was a shy and quiet girl back then but transitioning into my teenage years brought other changes and other ways to be racially challenged again
Why didn’t you tell me you were black? Is what a guy I had only spoken to on the phone did say
As if it was some conscious decision on my part to “keep it from him” and his angry tone affected me in a deep way
Are white people supposed to announce their race over the phone too?
Of course not! What a silly thing to do!
An articulate person who uses standard English language vernacular is often assumed to belong to a white person with a “white” voice
My way of speaking and presenting is my authentic self and not some form of manipulative and conscious choice
That teenage boy broke my teenage heart
His words left me feeling inferior, less than despite the blatant ignorance and racism on his part
Junior High and High School teachers could also be insensitive and cruel
Although not as a rule
But often enough that it’s still ingrained in my memory and deep in my soul
At 38 years old and still taking an unforgotten emotional toll
Four teachers laughed at me for being Jewish
How could I possibly be?
FUCK THEM for projecting their insensitive ignorance onto me
I went to a rich, private, PREDOMINANTLY white school where most of the girls were white and thin
White skin, long hair, and a petite body was associated with beauty and that’s what you had to look like in order to fully “fit in”
These physical descriptions do not represent me and never would
I wanted to get the hell out of that toxic place of pain as soon as I could
Crying nearly every day and hiding in the bathroom stall
In order to avoid snobby and entitled mean girls-it provided a temporary protective wall
I remember saying: “I’m Russian, Polish, Jewish, and African American” in chorus class
The new black girl student said, “You’re Black-That’s it!” with a tone of anger, annoyance, and sass
The thing is that is factually untrue
But the teenage version of me kept quiet before, during, and after her comments were through
Hopefully college would be better and more accepting for me
I did not realize how strong the anger from SOME Latin students towards me would be
Are you Puerto Rican like me? The one and only Eric Estrada asked me, and he was not the only one
I had some Latin friends who accepted me-I had a temporary feeling of belonging I didn’t want to be undone
Some Latin people got angry about me being seen as a Latina gal
YOU don’t look LATINA! Some would say with anger in their voice and an expression of confusion making us all feel muy mal
Why is it such a bad and embarrassing thing for me to be perceived as having a “Latin look?”
I was taken aback by the level of offense to them that it took
It was a very confusing time in college to be perceived in so many ways
I just wanted to be accepted as the black and white woman that I was and finally identified now with every day
I talked about the racism and discrimination that I have experienced but not about the privileges yet
As a biracial female there were also many compliments that I would get
Your look is so exotic-I like your caramel complexion and light brown skin tone
That made me feel good, complimented, pretty, and more accepted-an identity that I wanted to own
Black light skinned privilege is a very real thing
With all the advantages it can bring
Many feel more comfortable or more at ease with a color closer to light brown than a very dark brown or near black
Not to forget about some black people that told me I am not THAT light and demanding me to identify as just black
These people were in the minority
Projecting their feelings of self-hatred onto me
Now back to the privilege that I have experienced that some have not
Black, White, and Latin men have told me how beautiful my shade was because it wasn’t too dark
The implication was basically saying I was in some way better and more beautiful than other darker members of the black community
Are these outdated racist thoughts and comments going to last for eternity?
As an adult, I now finally appreciate and am confident and PROUD of the biracial woman of color that I am
I am slowly learning that others diverse perceptions of my identity should not matter-I need to let them go, explore and find myself and be how I define myself and maintain the confidence of who I say I am
Posted Nov 26, 2022, 8:43 PM UTC