Source
r/OCPoetry•
imimifimimcanimfind

Mona Lisa

Poem

Is a photo album just a pocket sized

billboard cutout of some kind?

Under the shadow of every memory

there is an AI painting

I want to break down the prison

of everyone held hostage

by the reputation pistol

"Life is beautiful because of the

broken pieces we pick up"

Poets will make music from

yesterday's torment

but I'm not dancing with my trauma

she's my maiden

I want to storm the castle

of every unspoken ill

and crash the wedding of everyone

married to unspoken trauma

Behind every perfect smile

is this your

true story?

11/27/22

////////////

Lovely Sky

Contritos Corde

Posted Nov 27, 2022, 7:48 AM UTC · edited

34
radioheadbuggy•

The sentiments of this poem are great, but I think the form could use some work. I think that in some of the lines the line breaks are a bit awkward - especially the "life is beautiful because of the/ broken pieces we pick up" - I think this would work much better as one line or as "life is beautiful / because of the broken pieces we pick up." Just altering the form to have a more logical rhythm and not break up thoughts in the middle. Overall though great work!

2
imimifimimcanimfindOP•

Appreciate the feedback! I like my poems to feel scattershot because that is often how our emotions are but I still want them to feel somewhat seemless. And you're right actually. After finishing this piece I wasn't completely happy with how the sequencing felt. Part of me wants to go back and rework it but part of me feels like I want to keep the flaws be part of it. And it is very flawed indeed. Thank you for taking the time to read my blabbering thoughts and my work! It really does mean a lot

1
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AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1