idk what to make of my parents

I know that my parents love and care for me in the best way that they know how. They are limited in their knowledge and education. However it doesn't change that some of the things they did that permanently scarred me.

I might start contradicting myself because I'm struggling so hard to understand what I'm feeling.

I was beat as punishment for bad behaviors. Part of me says abuse. The other part says they didn't know it was abuse.

I was guilt-tripped, silenced, ridiculed, gaslighted, criticized, belittled to the point that I don't believe I'm worth anything. My depression has gotten worse over the years. And I've only learned this past year that how my parents raised me is emotionally abusive.

Whether they knew it or not, the damage has been done. And I know that they're not gonna change. My mom had always wanted a relationship with me, but I can't give her that because I'm constantly on edge around her. I subconsciously shut down so she can't hurt me. I want to give her the mother-daughter relationship that she wants. I want that relationship too, but I can't. And I feel so guilty about it, even though I know it's not my fault.

This past year has been particularly hard with my brother and nephew's well-being are involved. Too much details to go into but I know my parents, particularly my mom, are hurting from the situation with my brother. My parents have done so much for us, despite all their faults, that I feel they don't deserve this kind of pain.

And I'm trying to understand where they're coming from, but it's so one way. I tried to explain to my mom why I can't talk to her even if I want to. It's hard to get past the hurt she's done in the past and open up, but she just can't comprehend it. I feel like I'm just hurting myself more for trying. That last conversation, she was still saying some hurtful things that put me back into another depressive episode.

I'm going back home for 4 days this Christmas and I'm dreading it every day. I want my parents to be happy and know i appreciate what they've done for us (the good stuff) and that I love them, but I can't be in their lives because I need to heal. And I don't know how to do this without hurting them. I'm so conflicted with keep trying and walking away.

I can't make sense of why I keep defending them even though I'm angry with them.