i want to confess

I've known this boy for ~1 year and 3 months (from being in the same class). We became casual friends this year February. The time where we really hit it off was around June. We had gaming sessions with some other friends for over 6 hours per day during summer break. Sometimes, it'd just be the 2 of us in the voice chat, talking about many things. I introduced him to my other friends. We've formed a great friend group (3 boys and 4 girls) since then. However, recently I've found myself catching feelings for him. It was around mid-october when I first started. At first, I brushed it off, thinking of it as an infactuation and that it was perfectly normal for a teenager to cling onto a romantic love-interest for fantasizing.

It has been a month and a half since then. These feelings can't be suppressed. I've found myself getting jealous when he talks to my other female friends in our friend group. When he has a good laugh with them and I'm not included. I think this is so toxic, but I can't help it. I keep this feeling to myself, though.

When we have lunch, he always chooses to sit next to me/ opposite me. He's way taller than me so I never dare look into his eyes. I like the way he laughs and smiles. I like his humour. I like how cute he is.

When I finally chose to accept the fact that I liked him was last Wednesday. As class president, I had brought christmas decorations and hats. There was this reindeer fluffy hat thingy. He just took it from me and plopped it onto his head. He looked so cute that in an instance, I wanted to hug him so tightly in my arms. But, I blocked that feeling because I thought it'd be awkward. I think, if my mind hadn't told me to not do so, my conscience would've made me anyway. The icing on the top was when he took it off and plopped it on my head. He smiled and said it looked cute. He said he liked the hat.

The thing that motivated me to decide to confess was last Friday (yesterday). My friend group was about to leave school together as usual and walk home. My crush had to stay behind to record a project with his teammate (also my friend) though. Out of all the people, he chose me, he asked me if I could help him record the video. Of course I said yes. The others left. I was done recording the video for him and my other friend. At the school gate, the other friend went the opposite way since he lives nearby. So, it was only him and I, walking home. It was like the feeling I've always wanted when I saw couples from our school finishing school together late. With the yellow lights dim on the streets, with the sky in a rich dark blue. I was next to him and he was next to me. We chatted and laughed till we had to part ways.

This was the moment I knew.

I want to confess to him before it's too late. Before he catches feelings for someone else. I don't know if he likes me at all. But, I'll give it my best shot. We have winter break this month and exams coming January. I plan to tell him around the days after the exam, or on Valentines day.

I'm scared of rejection so badly. I still want to so it. I'm scared if my confession goes bad, it will break up the friend group. But knowing him, I trust him. Even if he rejects me, he'll be respectful to me about it. I will do it.

I'll confess to him when it's just us 2 again. When we finish school late again. If I chicken out on the planned dates, I must make it my mission to confess by next year July.