…Am I Really Recovering? Do I Need More Help?

TW: Some Unalive Thoughts

I’ve asked a few questions in this sub now. Sorry if it’s getting annoying or repetitive, I’m just having a really rough time- And I think this is where I’m at…

I will emphasize again. I was NEVER underweight. At my lowest I was just above it (According to BMI standards). I’ve been in technically “recovery” (increasing calories. Trying to have a healthy balance with exercise) since July now. 5-6 months give or take. And- I’ve gained weight-

It’s not too “noticeable” at all according to people that know me. But I’m in panic mode because a few clothing items of mine have begun to feel a bit tighter around my waist and my thighs are wider. They still fit but I’m concerned if I get more fat than they won’t. I swear I look fatter in the mirror and I hate it- My personal trainer says I’ve gained mostly muscle and that if I keep eating my maintenance calories and exercising like I do then eventually my body will recomp and the fat will come off or redistribute, leaving a toned, defined and muscular looking physique which ultimately is what I want. That’s better than wanting to be a stick right? That’s gotta mean something as far as recovery mindset shifting.

Well I just- I can’t trust it- If that was really my “maintenance” than why was I gaining weight and why can I swear I’m getting fatter? I don’t want to gain anymore fat or get too big for my clothes. I already had to completely replace my wardrobe once when I got too small I don’t want to do it again.

I want to feel healthy on the inside- Mentally and physically. But I want to look it too. I want to look lean and muscular. Otherwise it feels like it’s for nothing.

I’m slipping- I can feel myself slipping- Since last week a few days before thanksgiving, I dropped my calories by 500 below my “maintenance” again and haven’t gotten them back up to my “maintenance”. I can’t. I don’t want to gain more fat.

I don’t want to gain too much fat for this very reason. I’m scared if I do it’ll just be counterintuitive and I’ll relapse into full on starving and 3 hours of cardio a day- I don’t want to go back to that.

But by cutting down my calories already- Aren’t I already relapsing?

I don’t know what to do- I feel so hopeless and lost and I’m really scared. If I can’t beat this than- Well… I don’t know what I’ll do. I fear for my life.

I miss parts of my life… I miss going out with my family and not fearing the food I wanted to eat. It’s the holidays. I miss enjoying all my favorite holiday treats. Even then I wasn’t happy with my whole life as it was or my body. But at least there were those things. It was bad- But not like this. It didn’t feel so alone… I feel so alone.

I’ve lost everything. My health suffered. I lost my period and still haven’t gotten it back, it took me AGES to repair my hair after it fell out and broke a ton and it’s still barely as thick as it used to be. I’m never happy. I’m always at war with myself in my head. I don’t feel anywhere close to sane anymore. I don’t go out because I’m scared food may be around or I fear people seeing me so I don’t have irl friendships. My family loves me but I can see how tired out I make them, how scared they are of upsetting me. It almost makes me believe they’d be better off without me.

I used to be the one in the family everyone thought was going places. The talented, Straight-A student everyone had high hopes for. I’ve disappointed all of them…

I can’t quit exercise. It’s my only joy to feel strong. I’m terrified of bringing my calories up.

…I don’t know what to do. I see a therapist and a trainer/nutrition coach. I’ve seen a dietitian.

Do I need more help? Would I even be able to do it?

I’m tired of this… Of all the fighting… I’m so tired-

I guess some support or advice- Anything- I’d appreciate it-