Paragraph of thoughts in my mind.

I don't want to disclose what exactly im praying for, apologies in advance if this makes it too difficult to read and understand.

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Hello, for the Past few months I've been going through great learning experiences and have felt touched by God in many different ways. normally, I would like to settle my problems on my own; but this time I genuinely feel lost. I have been a Christian most of my life; but only within the year I have started taking it seriously. throughout this year I have learned many things and changed in a lot of ways to try in live in a way God would be proud of. as a teenager, Christianity and God are very hard things to grasp; but through his love, I have broken bad habits and tried to be the best person I can be. The whole reason I tried to peruse God back in April was - I admit, very selfish. I was prying for something impossible, and looking back on it now I feel foolish. but since then, I have learned so much about God and his undying love. along with my knowledge, the thing I was praying about also changed - turning more into a feasible and realistic idea. But now, I'm questioning all of it. like I said, this thing I've been praying about has changed the more I've pursued God, and it isn't God I'm doubting; its my foolishness and thinking God is doing something he isn't. For the past few months I have done many different tricks to basically get an "a-okay" from God that he was going to continue to aid me regarding this thing. whether it be aiding me to learn more on the topic of this thing, or putting me in the right mindset for it - I was thinking it was working and that God was genuinely aiding me pursue this idea. Day by day I would learn more about God, this subject, & and the world as a whole. I would go through ups and downs, and learn a lot in the process; but just this week the thought that God only put this entire Idea in front of me so that I truly learn and understand him crossed my mind. the idea didn't bother me that much; but it stuck, so that night I prayed about it and asked God to stop me from fighting for this thing by any means necessary if he isn't going to make this thing happen. the next day more doubts sprang into my mind, so like normal, I just said to God that I entrust that these are nothing more than thoughts and that he'll continue to let this thing come to reality. now, just two days later, im at the lowest ive ever been regarding this topic and im just simply asking if I should let it up. this idea of this thing ive been praying about got me up and the morning and was a great source for motivation - so for God to let it up now after asking him to stop it multiple times in the past while allowing me to be driven by it for months feels impossible. so im calling out to anyone that has understood what my problem is to please share some words of advice.

thank you, and if this is difficult to read: im sorry. im writing this pretty late in a dark room. Jesus loves you brothers, stay strong.