BlueEdwardBear

Just looking at photos of us made my heart ache a great deal and I so wanted to tell you then when you wrote time to pause I thought oh god I've missed my chance and a fucking dead zone has derailed my last conversation of the day with you. But I was wrong (yay!).

Just a stoopid girl with stoopid dreams that she knows can't come true.

I love you. I had the best time with you. I can't wait to be with you again.

I know I have abandonment issues and we all know why, doesn't take a genius

but

*kicks rocks

I love you more than anyone ever will

I will make you laugh hard

and talk with you for hours (even letting you get an opinion in sometimes)

and be dark and dirty and soft and loving

I will love your stories, like, genuinely love them

and share thoughts and ideas

and play stoopid games

and just be yours

always

like kisses good morning and the bestest hash browns and I made you some lunch and did you hear about xyz on the news and shall we grill tonight and have a good morning I love you big mwah and then tiny messages, like good luck in your meeting and how was your patient and thank you for lunch and have a good afternoon still love you and miss you then keys in the door and you're home you're home dance dance and hugs and tiny nose rubs and let's make dinner and giggles and smiles and soft hugs and kisses goodnight

I just feel awful right now

I wanted to take a look at your new office

I wanted to go for a walk at lunch

I wanted so much more

but I couldn't cause there's just this whole big thing tomorrow with shareholders and everything and it was made clear that any questions or requests needed to be submitted at least 14 days in advance, and most people respected that but two of them didn't and they've been firing requests and questions and those things require reports and I could ask someone else to do them but I need to make sure they are correct otherwise I am fucked. And the whole time M is like "How's your day" and I'm like, it's pretty brutal actually but then that's all he asks and he g

Hey you

Look I am writing an Act of Service ;)

I had such a wonderful time with you over the last couple of days. I don't think I will ever get over how fast we can turn it around when the mood is right and when we are willing to talk and to listen.

I'm happy that we could talk the way we could. I know how hard you're trying. I know the way I think and feel is alien to you and I wish I could just turn myself into who you want me to be. I can't chamge my feelings but I know I can change my actions and my reactions and that's what I am focusing on. Will I be successful? I hope so. Will I need your help? Fuck, yes. Yes I will.

I hope you got to go play golf this morning and I hope you ha

That " I removed you from my birthday"

You said after lunch you want absolutely no contact tomorrow.

By doing that you removed any chance of reconciliation, resolution, truce, or even a temporary timeout before Thursday.

That was a very cold and very calculated move, and it ensured that my first thought upon waking up Thursday would not be one of excitement and anticipation of talking to you, but dread and unease.

You knew what you were doing.

I deserve more than that on my birthday.

Today is your birthday.

It's the 1685th I've known you, and the 1685th day I've not been able to be physically with you.

It's been the hardest day yet.

If I was with you, you would have woken up to a bouncy girl smothering you with kisses and squealing that it's your day.

There would have been a little pile of gifts with shiny paper. Maybe even a card, if you would have liked one. I wouldn't have let you open them yet though.

Then some stuff we don't kiss and tell about.

Then breakfast. Hash browns I think. With bacon and sausage and whatever. Then some gifts and I would be nervous in case I had gotten something wrong.

Could we have taken the day off work? Maybe we could, maybe w

My dearest Mr Smithstein

I write you this letter under a cloud of sadness. I miss my lover. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner in crime. I miss my confidante.

I miss the person who makes me feel like nobody else ever has.

I wish more than ever we could be sharing time together right now. I want to hear your giggle and I want to go downrabbit holes and I want to sulk while you thrash me at Farkle.

You have my heart always

Your princess.

I still don't know quite what happened.

I'm just going to stay here for now.

You hurt me

You apologized

I was still hurt

And said, I just want to feel loved

And that's really it

It's not worth the anger

It's just a bump in the road

There are lots of bumps

But once we find put how to smooth them over

It will be perfect

For you, you see, an apology is not enough

You see, you wanted to make me feel bad

You see, you never give me the benefit of the doubt

I see, you made me feel unloved.

You said sorry

But I still feel unloved because you didn't fix it.