ChangeTransformLive

I think I would have been a loving, compassionate, fun, mother, but I was terrified I’d be the trauma my children would one day need to recover from. So I decided not to be a mother. I couldn’t risk giving a child a bad childhood. What if whatever lurked in my parents was inside me? That kind of thinking. There are days I regret it, but overall I rest easy knowing I didn’t harm a child

And started telling people the real reasons you keep your distance (VLC, NC) with Nfamily? Some days I wonder if the only reason I answer vaguely or make excuses is to protect THEIR reputation with friends and family…or if telling would be self-serving petty revenge?

Parents hated each other. Eventually divorced.

NDad framed me as scapegoat, elder sibling as GC. NMom made me GC and elder sibling was her scapegoat. They used us “you’re just like your father! You’re just like your mother!” to attack each other. Younger sibling was the clown and least physically abused but abused and definitely felt lost in mix. Turned to self-destructive behavior.

All three of us were physically and psychologically abused regularly by BOTH parents. But when in a good mood, they played favorites.

I’m now the scapegoat to the whole unit as I’ve gone NC, but this split treatment really messed with me.

Anyone else?

Reading through this sub has got me reflecting on the fact that neither parent ever told us not to tell anyone about the beatings, the name calling, the screaming, the general dysfunction. No one told us, explicitly, to keep it a secret. I don’t ever recall being told to pretend we were a happy family. And yet all 3 of us were Oscar worthy performers in public and their best spokespeople. It seems ignorant to ask: but how the heck did we just know to perform normalcy?

Behind a paywall, so I can only read the first two paragraphs. Based on the summary/description in my feed, however, it looks like a “poor mom with children who jump to label relationships as ‘toxic’” piece… ↓

“I witness a lot of pain as a therapist, but there’s nothing quite like the sorrow of a mother estranged from her adult child, writes Rachel Glik.

Data on prevalence is scarce, but anecdotally, the phenomenon of adults cutting off their parents is on the rise. Shifts in how we talk about mental health and widening divides in politics and culture seem to be inspiring a growing number of young people to drop any relationship they see as “toxic.”

For mothers, who tend to identify more

My three cousins and one aunt had been adopted, so I was aware of adoption from a young age. As far back as i can remember, I used to fantasize that I was adopted and one day I’d find out the “trying”. I’d imagine being reunited with these wonderful birth parents.

The reality was that two emotionally immature, selfish, violent people produced three kids they had no business raising. But the fantasy helped me get through tough times.

Anyone else experience this?

NMom was a primary school teacher. Is it me or is this is a profession that suits the covert narcissist? Always chirpy and cheerful in the classroom. Adored the attention from the six year olds.

She could be that way with us kids too IF we didn’t do something that inconvenienced her and IF she was emotionally regulated. Her fellow schoolteacher friends, with hindsight, strike me as flying monkeys and/or covert narcissists themselves.

A pattern?

It feels dramatic to write “lost”, as they are still alive, but I’m deep in grief. Three out of four immediate family members are narcissists. I’d always know N-Dad and Golden child elder sibling were highly narcissistic: physically and verbally abusive, the whole package. I was in denial about mother for many years, despite neglect and childhood abuse including allowing her second husband to continually make sexual comments to a teenage me. I think I needed to believe that one family member loved me. Finally, mother did something that made it hard to deny any longer. I now know that her whole persona is stereotypical “Covert narcissist”.

And the same week enabler younger sister spent the