President_Calhoun

"That's right," said Bob. "Heading for Acapulco."

"You must be excited!"

"Yeah," said Bob, "but I'm also a little concerned. During the last three vacations, my wife has gotten pregnant. Last year it was Hawaii, she got pregnant. The year before that, Las Vegas, pregnant. Year before that, Costa Rica, pregnant."

"Wow!" said Dave. "Are you going to take precautions this time?"

"I sure am! For one thing, this year I'm taking her with me."

When horses and horse-drawn carriages were the primary means of transportation, did intersections have stop signs, yield signs, etc.? Were there speed limits (obviously no speedometers, but laws against traveling at unsafe speeds)? Laws against riding a horse or driving a carriage/stagecoach while drunk?

...but you'll be the judge of that:

I've been dating a new guy. I'm pretty excited about that. Although there is one potential red flag - he's never invited me to his house. Says it's because [sarcastically, with finger quotes] "his wife lives there."

...the blonde paratrooper is being briefed one last time on her spy mission.

"When you reach 10,000 feet, pull the ripcord," says the commander. "If for some reason the main chute doesn't deploy, use your reserve chute. In the unlikely event that one doesn't open, go to your emergency reserve chute."

He points to a map. "Try to land in this area. Off to the south you'll see an old shed. Inside the shed is a motorcycle. Ride it to the rendezvous point, and you'll meet our operatives on the ground. They'll tell you where to proceed from there."

The paratrooper nods, salutes, and jumps.

At 10,000 feet she pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

She pulls the cord for the reserve chute.

"I remember seeing Opie on an episode of MASH."

"Hawkeye was really good on The West Wing."

No, you saw Ron Howard on MASH. No, Alan Alda was on The West Wing.

I knew it would mean the world to him.

...so it was no surprise when he was named valedictorian of his graduating class. That meant he had to give a speech. The thought made him a nervous wreck, but when the big night came, he strode across the stage toward the podium, putting on the bravest face possible.

He was nearly to the podium when he dropped his speech. He stooped to pick it up, and that's when his nervous stomach betrayed him. He passed gas. Loudly. To make matters worse, the podium mic picked it up and broadcast it loud and clear all through the auditorium.

The crowd erupted in laughter. The young man was mortified. He fled from the stage, the auditorium, and the town. So deep was his humiliation that he vow

Anybody here have a family? Show of hands. Parents, kids, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles? [squint toward back of room] I see a couple of hands back there.

Family was important when I was growing up. My grandfather lived with us for a while. Interesting guy. World War II vet. He was one of the first soldiers to come upon Hitler's abandoned mountain retreat at the end of the war. Beautiful villa in the Bavarian Alps. He said it was very homey, and it hinted at a side of the Fuhrer most people hadn't seen. For instance there was a photo album with a picture of Hitler in a t-shirt that said, "FREE MOUSTACHE RIDES."

Very small moustache rides.

Tradition was a big thing in my fa

Toward the end of her first day of sightseeing, she thought it might be fun to ride on the subway. When she went down to board, she saw a sign that said: DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE TRAIN.

"Oh, great!" said the blonde. "Where am I supposed to find a dog at this hour?"

He raised a lot of eyebrows.

He looks up at the heavens and says, "Lord, if you give me a place to park, I promise to put $100 in the collection plate next Sunday!"

All at once the clouds part and a beam of sunlight falls upon an empty space.

The guy glances heavenward again. "Never mind, I found one!"

You were in the class of '95, not the class of 95'.

For anyone not old enough to remember, around 1980-ish a teenage Brooke Shields did a series of controversial ads for Calvin Klein jeans that featured the catchphrase, "You wanna know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing."

I was thinking about the episode where Rita Glossner (Brooke) has Frankie drive her a few hundred miles to visit her son and his newborn baby. They should have named her son Calvin and his baby Calvin Jr. Then at the end Rita could have said to Frankie, "From now on, nothing's gonna come between me and my Calvins." 😊

Of all the humiliations he suffered, which incident do you think caused Frasier the most sleepless nights?