RiskyControl

Made it through a full week.

Slept pretty well last night, had my coffee this morning, and once it warmed up over 55 I took the motorcycle out. Ended up riding down to the beach and hanging out by the ocean for a while. It was a beautiful day, and exactly what I needed.

I'm still having good moments and bad moments, but today has been a pretty good day. I'm not trying to figure everything out or worry about what comes next. Just enjoying the bike, the weather, and a little peace.

I'll take it. 🏍️🌊

A little update. I slept through the entire night last night, all the way until my alarm, which honestly felt like a pretty big win. Woke up feeling calmer, had my coffee, made it to work, ate breakfast and got outside for a walk in the cool morning air.

I’m trying not to put pressure on myself to suddenly feel great or act like everything is fine. I’m just noticing the small improvements when they happen and letting them count. Some days are still harder than others, but today feels a little more normal, and right now I’ll happily take normal.

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Today is just a hard day. I took the day off work because I woke up with a headache and I've been having a hard time regulating my emotions. Mostly I'm just really sad.

I'm struggling to accept that my marriage is actually over. I know it's going to take a long time, and I'm starting to realize I have to let myself feel the pain when it comes instead of trying to fight it or make it disappear.

Some days will be easier and some days are going to suck. Hopefully these waves come less often and don't last as long as time goes on.

Today I'm just letting myself have a bad day. I'm sad. I wish things had turned out differently. But I'm still no contact and I'm not going to let a painf

Not much to update today, but I’m still no contact.

Sleep still isn’t great. I woke up early again, but I did notice that I felt a little calmer this morning. The anxiety is still there, but I’m trying to stick to my routine, get through the workday, take my walks, and keep moving forward.

I’m also still listening to The Betrayal Bind, which has been helping me understand a lot of what I’m feeling.

Really appreciate all the support here. Reading the comments and knowing other people understand this has helped more than you probably realize.

Quick update from my two days no contact post. I made it through another night without contacting her, so I guess this is officially day three.

I wish I could say I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, confident and ready to conquer my new life. Instead, I barely slept. I woke up ridiculously early and my brain immediately decided it was time to start thinking about everything at once. I tried to fall back asleep for a while, finally gave up, made coffee and turned on the early morning news.

The good news is I still haven't contacted her. I haven't checked for anything from her either. The urge comes and goes, but I'm starting to recognize that contacting her might make me feel better f

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Two full days of no contact.

I wish I could say I feel strong, free, and completely at peace with it, but honestly, today has been harder than I expected.

I know no contact is finally the right decision. Every time we started talking again, I ended up right back in the same cycle. Hope, confusion, anxiety, analyzing every call and text, wondering what she meant, and waiting for the next breadcrumb.

So I'm trying to remind myself that missing her doesn't mean I made the wrong decision. Feeling anxious doesn't mean I need to reach out. It just means I'm trying to detach from someone who was a huge part of my life, even after everything that happened.

Today I'm feeling lonely and

Everyone was right.

You may remember my post from yesterday about breaking no contact and trying to figure out whether there was actually anything left between my wife and me.

Well, I got my answer.

Last night we were talking about spending Saturday night together. She told me she was okay with me staying with her, but didn't want to rush into anything. I told her I wasn't expecting anything physical and would honestly just be happy snuggling with her and going to sleep. She agreed, sent me a hug emoji, and ended the night with “Good night 🥰.”

A couple hours later, everything flipped.

She told me her guard was up, that I had shut down communication before, and that we should be “all a

I went no contact with my soon-to-be ex-wife for a couple of weeks after everything that happened. It was hard as hell at first, but honestly, it helped. I stopped checking for emails every five minutes, stopped waiting for my phone to light up, and started feeling like I had some control over my brain again.

Then we started talking again.

It started with a four-hour phone conversation. We talked about the marriage, the affairs, what happened to us, and what our lives look like now. We both agreed the marriage is over. The divorce is still happening. Neither of us is pretending we're fixing the marriage.

But we've kept talking.

We met for drinks and actually had a really good time. We ta

I've been reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, and apparently my marriage came with an instruction manual. I just didn't get my copy until after the divorce was filed.

Seriously, though, it's almost creepy how closely my experience lines up with what's described in this book.

I'll read a section and think, "Well, shit. That's familiar."

Then I turn the page.

"Oh cool. That too."

The breadcrumbs were probably the biggest lightbulb moment for me.

Reach out. Show a little emotion. Say you miss talking to me. Want to be friends. Have a long conversation about everything. Give me just enough connection that my stupid hopeful brain starts wondering if there's something meaningful behind it

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I feel like my life is on hold until I move.

Which is impressive, considering I have, in fact, been doing things.

The divorce is filed. The final hearing is scheduled. I have a new apartment I'mwaiting to be ready. I've given notice on the house. I'm getting rid of stuff, working, going to the gym, walking, seeing people, going to football games, and generally attempting to function like a reasonably well-adjusted adult.

And yet my brain is apparently like:

"Cool. None of that counts. Your real life starts when you get the keys to the new apartment."

I think it's because this house still feels like the old life. Every room has a memory attached to it, so I'm basically dismantl

9 hours without checking to see if she messaged me. Email is the only place I don't have her blocked, there are reasons I need to keep that open for now.

I know that probably doesn't sound like much, but for me right now, it's a pretty big deal.

I've realized I have to basically retrain my brain. Every time I get that little thought of “I wonder if she emailed”, my anxiety kicks in and I want to check.

So today I'm trying something different. I'm not checking.

The urge has actually been pretty strong at times. I went for a couple walks just to get out of the house and get my mind off it.

And I'm starting to realize that I don't have to do anything just because I feel the urge to do it

I can’t stop thinking about you today.

Part of me still misses you. I miss the person I thought you were, the life I thought we were building, and the moments when I genuinely believed we were going to grow old together.

And that’s the part that makes this so damn difficult.

Because I can miss you and still know that what happened between us changed everything. I can love you and still know that I can’t keep putting myself through the pain, uncertainty, and betrayal.

There are days when I want to reach out, hear your voice, and pretend for a moment that none of this happened. Today is one of those days.

But I know where that road leads.

So I’m not sending this. I’m not asking you for a

This is exactly what I've been feeling. The physical toll is bad even two months out. Someday are better than others, but the physical symptoms have taken their toll.

Physical & Emotional Symptoms After Breaking a Trauma Bond

Anxiety and a racing heart

Your nervous system has become accustomed to unpredictability. Without the constant highs and lows, your body can remain on high alert.

Insomnia and disrupted sleep

You may struggle to fall asleep, wake up early, or wake up feeling anxious. Your brain is still scanning for the next emotional threat.

Withdrawal-like cravings

You can desperately miss the person—even knowing they hurt you. Trauma bonds can create a powerful cycle of attach

Woke up this morning to 40+ emails from my STBXW.

Apparently she's furious that I'm not treating her with the same dignity and friendship that I gave my first wife.

For some context, my first wife and I were married for 12 years and have two children together. We're always going to have a connection because of our kids. Completely different situation.

But apparently that's not good enough. She's upset that I gave my first wife a house and that we're friends now, so apparently she thinks she should get the same treatment.

I honestly had to sit there reading some of this thinking, are we seriously doing this right now?

You cheated on me, lied to me, broke my trust, and somehow the complai