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My Sons-

You've had a lot to say since you became adults. Some of it you've even had the courage to say to my face.

I've never bothered to respond to most of it. But it turns out that there's a few things I'd like to remind you of. And a few other things you never knew at all.

I've sheltered you with my body your entire lives. First as life growing inside of me. Then later, curled around you as your father kicked me repeatedly in the ribs.

I've physically fought to get to you, to get you somewhere safe. I knew that if I didn't make it to you, they'd never let me survive to protect you. I did things. But I made it. And we made it out.

I lied. I stole. I made the least shitty of what

Father, Mother- You nearly destroyed me before I could live.

I was taught that to survive, one must ease the suffering of others, but never speak. To be self centered was death.

I carried the weight of your sins, your baggage, your pain. When my child body was violated, I was told not to dwell on what can not be changed.
When my love died, I was told I had grieved long enough.
When life began to grow inside of me, you made me kill it for daring to be inconvenient.
When I believed in myself, I was told I was weak and foolish.

The paths I wanted were blocked at every turn. Your way or climbing alone. When I buried my son, I was told my grief disturbed others. You made me comfort y

There are parts of me that simply don't breathe until I'm in your arms.

I forget how deep my need for you goes. Until I see you again, and dissappear into that world we create between us.

Touch plays a symphony, notes of pleasure and the pain of missing you- but skin and ecstasy alone can not account for the gentle reshaping of space and time.

Lay your head here, in the hollow space below my jaw. Breathe with me.

That feeling inside when your eyes find mine from across the room, just to confirm we have both seen.

That little hitch in your movements when you have a feeling that surprises you- just a tiny pause in the flow of perfect choreography.

I saw the way the hints of my anger excited you. I felt a lack of control, but you saw a power even I didn't know was there.

How long have you known? Did you know the reaction you'd have, or did it take you by surprise?

I wanted to tell you to get on your knees.

Would you have listened?

I'm sorry. I know you were counting on me to step up and take care of other's. I can't. Not this time. That's been my role my whole life. Step up where other's won't. Alone. Unsupported. You know that. Which is why it hurt when I realized I only knew so I could help you with those that mattered.

I just wasn't counting on it hurting so bad. I didn't realize I wasn't immune, I guess. It's embarrassing.

The realization that I cared stole my breath. The confirmation that you didn't wasn't surprising. It was the pain that caught me off guard.

I just wasn't expecting you, of all people, to forget I was a person too. That I am weak, and struggling, and scared, and sick.

And alone.

People

I'm not looking for any particular reaction. I was kind of hoping we could avoid a fuss, to be honest. I just thought you might want the chance to know me before I die.

I know you want something that will leave you wrecked. Shaking. Weepy. Used.

And we will. We do.

But.

Lately I find myself wanting to just follow the veins under your skin. To find the secret hollows among the curves of your bones. To trace the path the branches weave under the surface. As if the skin between means nothing to us.

Because it doesn't.

I wish to whisper the hidden notes of your name as I move within you, and know you've heard my song.

I want to be lost in us. In what we create between us. Around us.

And then, My Love, whatever you desire.

You let words slip from your tongue like they are nothing. It's a river constantly flowing for you. You can spare what's lost along the way.

The ability to lose yourself in pleasure lends a note of truth to your voice. Even you believe the words that fall from your lips.

But it's an old story. One we've heard before. And it always ends the same.

Everything new and bright becomes old and dim eventually. You won't exit. You'll just fade.

It would be kinder to never speak the words. To just live in what it is. To appreciate a moment. But no one ever does.

So I'll believe the lie with you, while I hold the truth like a shield across my heart.

For you, love is the joy that keeps you breath