avenlanzer

I know nobody sees this or cares. I just had to say it, I guess for for posterity. I Know I cant stop this anymore. I don't want to, not sure if I ever did or just didn't want to hurt others with it. I'm going to keep trying to keep moving forward, for my loved ones' sake, but I know I can't stop this from happening. Meds don't work anymore, barely worked when they did and I was miserable then too. The bad memories have returned with a vengeance, the pains physical and emotional are so much worse than they've ever been, and I don't have the strength to keep it up. It's just a matter of how much longer I can keep trying not to, and how much longer I can keep pretending I don't want to.

Even when there is no fault on my part, and they are clearly the one in the wrong, I always have the impulse to smooth things over, and end up apologizing for making the other person upset. Even sometimes going so far as to reframe the interaction as my fault. This comes to my detriment most of the time, as expected, and has cost me friends, relationships, and jobs. All because I took responsibility for my actions and the other person wouldn't take any. I know I shouldn't expect the other person to ever apologize or own up to being shitty, but I do every time, and I'm always not only disappointed in my faith of others but in a worse position because instead of speaking out on my own behalf a

A few years go my landlord made a mandatory air filter delivery for 20$ per month. Cannot opt out, it's in the lease. Two years ago they lost almost every unit during a disaster and went full shitlord on everyone who stayed, including jacking rent (state doesn't have a legal cap, and the entire city and most of the state was fucked at the time so moving wasn't an option) and more than doubling that ridiculous cost for the cheapest air filters that exist but now it includes the two perks of "we will set you up with our own direct realtor when you're ready to buy so you don't have to get your own." (they both rent and sell, and only an idiot would think their landlord has their best interest i

today and yesterday i haven't dissociated once. Not at all. For the first time in three years not once the whole day, and after about two months of 24/7 dissociation and two weeks of extremely hard dissociative episodes. Just suddenly I'm real again. I have no idea why i suddenly snapped out of it, but wow things feel so weird because they don't feel weird. No doubt it'll start back up soon, but it's been crazy to feel actually part of the real world for a change.

...And it's so quiet...that's the weirdest part. I didn't even realize how "loud" my dissociative episodes have gotten until now when it's quiet. No inner voice narrating constantly, no discussions and arguments in my head, no ba

This one fucking ad crashes every damn app every fucking time. Even my favorite game is useless lately since I can't get past that one fucking ad half the time, so using it as stress relief just makes things worse. I would block it if it ever actually loaded, but no, it can't even seem to get that far so no ad blocker even recognizes it as loading. It's just a stupid little video, not even interactive, but it simply will not load and crashes out the entire app to homescreen every cocksucking time. Fuck Taos New Mexico. I hate the entire place already thanks to this one god damned ad.

came up in our DnD session today against a Spinx like creature. Thought I'd share.

came up in our DnD session today against a Spinx like creature. Thought I'd share.

Hint: >!a baker asked this question!<

Don't get me wrong, he's brilliant and I love him, but he's got a huge blindspot when it comes to his grudges.

Rereading the series and just got to where Adolin asks his boon after the 4 on 1 duel (which was an amazing fight and just a beautiful tactic to use against Sadeus) and Kaladin somehow thinks he has the right to demand a boon of the king too. Not only was it A boon, one for the match, and directed to Adolin only as the leader of the group, but a darkeyes wouldn't get one anyway, and certainly not what he wants. Especially not the way he demanded it as if it were his right.

He really just can't think straight when it comes to Amaram. And only just before the match Amaram was nam

My landlord just sent me a new lease, going from $950 to $1050. After only a little bit of googling, I was able to see that was quite a rediculously large jump. Note that Austin is the closest big city to me, you'll want to research your nearby cities to get more relevant numbers. This isn't the first time I've had to do this for the same landlord and it's worked before too. If they don't accept this time, I have to move at least an hour away to afford rent at all (and I already live an hour from work). I don't think it's anything more than they increase what they can get away with, but that's only if you let them get away with it. Many states are rent controlled and have a maximum raise to

We recently adopted a rat from someone who couldn't handle her because she was always biting them and fighting with her other rats, so she was kept isolated for a few months in a cat carrier. The old owner said she wasn't sure where she came from initially but thought it was a horder situation. That does fit with temperament, but she also seems to have a fear of hands

Sometimes she's really sweet and will let you pet her from a distance if you are really slow and she isn't already spooked. But whenever something gets her nervous (and many ratties get nervous over anything) she will bite hard and won't let anyone or anything near her. She prefers a small hamster cage over being in the large