I went NC with most of my family in February, the last person in June.
Everything that led up to that was a huge blow and reliving of deep trauma that destroyed my sense of self in a lot of ways. I have done a lot of work to come back from that and get alon a better path, and all the old wounds were reopened in the last couple of years.
I think the worst parts of the damage are these:
I have a super hard time with communication, tons of anxiety around feeling heard and how my words are received, because every one of my attempts to communicate with my family failed, no matter how hard I tried to get it right.
I feel unlovable. Deep down, I feel unworthy. I have an idea of what t
Apologies if this is long. This has been extremely hard to talk about.
Things were catastrophic, in my last conversation with UBPD Queen mother. She told me how much she hated both her children. My crime was saying all the conflict was not necessary. Everything that is not fawning/agreement is "disrespectful" in the eyes of The Queen.
Sister, childhood GC, adulthood flying monkey, enabler and abuser herself, lived with them until last year when they had her arrested for assaulting them (I have no doubt the assault went both ways). I had tried so hard to convince her to get outside help from support groups and helping professionals. She wouldn't do it, just kept ignoring and dismissing m
So much has happened, I just don't know where to even start. Everything about my family and upbringing has made me extremely confused and anxious about communication. Trying to be heard by my family was always a lose-lose situation for me, the scapegoat. I always somehow got something/everything wrong, couldn't come across as I wanted to, was dismissed no matter how carefully I phrased things anyway.
A lot of this was relived, brutally, in the last few years. My parents, especially uBPD mother, but also with enabling Dad, again did the same things that made me feel so like garbage earlier in life. And with my former GC sister: even though I was trying to help her navigate away from ou