markmfg

I saw my ex-wife. Divorced 2 yrs. I’ve been doing NC successfully for almost the entire time. A couple slips initiated by her. Slowly getting better... sort of.

Tonight I was at an art show and there she was. Holding hands with her new guy (not the one she cheated on me with). I walked up and high-fived her. No smile. No expression. No words. Then I looked at art. I looked up after a few minutes, and they weren’t holding hands. Then they were gone.

I have no idea why I high-fived her. I was thinking “fuck you”. But, I didn’t say anything. I hope she got the message. I hope her new guy felt uncomfortable.

Jesus, I’m weirdo.

Now I can’t sleep. I hope it’s worse for

I think I’m flatlining. Depressed, ED, unmotivated, grouchy.

I love having superpowers again. Not 100%, but moving in the right direction.

Today would’ve been. But you ran off. For no apparent reason. Oh well, laters.

Craving!

Still some PIED with gf, but deathgrip is gone. Still a bit flatlined.

Meditated. Leg day at gym today. Met w a couple guys I sponsor in AA.

Im not going to jerk off today. See you on day 16.

I ate mostly well. Feel the brain fog lifting a bit. Punched mitts for an hour then grappled for an hour.

Am I tempted to jerk off? Certainly!

Am I going to jerk off? Fuck no. Not today.

Gnight. Thanks for being inspiring.

Flaaaaaatlining. Blah!!!!

But I’m not PMO’ing.

I had 7 months last year, slipped up about 9 mos ago. At first it was innocent and controlled. About a month ago, the compulsive PMO was back. The misery and shame. The physical consequence of PIED. The inability to overcome the moment of inertia required to even get one day. But, by some miracle, I have 9 days today. And I feel like shit!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m super grateful. Looking forward to super powers again. But the headache, lack of motivation, depression... YUCK. I know it’ll pass. But the waiting sucks.

Would’ve been easier to just stay the course. Live and learn.

Our mutual friend (mostly mine) overdosed and died last week. You hadn’t been in contact with him in ages. I’d been trying to offer him support, but to no avail. Today, you text me. Offering condolences. I responded by simply texting “thank you”. Please know that I really wanted to tell you to eat shit.

Holy fuck. I was there to support IVF. Nearly every match was insane. Anyone else wanna comment? I’m exhausted.

Last night was so rough, but I made it! And I’m so grateful. If I could do it, so can you. Upward and onward.