mysbehaving

Does anyone else look back at their entire lives and see abuse at every stage? I need to get this out.

The first traumas were before the age of two. Witnessing my father assault my mother and brother (5-6yr old). We escaped just after my 2nd birthday.

Somewhere between 2-3yrs my brother stabbed me in the chest. He collapsed a lung and missed my heart by a millimetre. Mother blamed me. Screamed at the police that I asked for it. He spent 3yrs in hospital. My mother spent the rest of my life punishing me, saying that I was the devil, an imposter. Crazy shit.

Relocate to a new city in the middle of the night. No family support, CAS monitoring. Turns out my brother was scheduled for rele

My SO is mad at me. I wish I could just disappear from this life. I’m never good enough for him. All he sees are my deficiencies. When he points them out, I agree with him to validate his feelings. I am a piece of shit, worthless, stupid, lazy, faking ptsd. Whatever he wants to say I agree with it. Then I ask him to think about how it feels to me to always fail him. I tell him he could find someone better, that I’m broken. He says that’s a cop out. That I’m gaslighting him by saying that. This confuses me. I understand his feelings. I have spent the last 25 years trying to change to make him happy. I have failed. At what point does telling me what a failure I am stop being the impetus for me

I am terrible at self care. I admit it. Showering feels like climbing a mountain. Brushing my teeth makes me have a panic attack. I make dr appointments and don’t keep them. This is my beginner list of small things to do everyday.

Wake up, Get out of bed, Make bed, Get dressed, Drink coffee x 2, Collect laundry, Collect garbage/recycling, Unload dishwasher, Brush teeth, Wash face, Eat something, Decide what to make for dinner, Work on a crossword, Meditate, Shower, Wash hair

I know this is just the basics, but currently I’m not even doing these things daily. Even if I check off half of them I’m doing better. I can add chores and cleaning once I’ve got this down pat.