Am I getting worse?

I don’t typically air my issues out in public, or to many close friends for that matter, but I’m curious if anyone else has had a similar path to me.

Quick summary: I just recently turned 40, am married to a wonderful person for almost 10 years but have been together 21, we have a 4 year old who is amazing, we both have decent jobs and are trying to do better than paycheck to paycheck( getting harder every year….).
I have struggled with depression since high school but didn’t start therapy until after college, about 10 years ago. I also resisted any medication until I had my son. At that point I decided I didn’t want to be unfairly cold or mean (not violent) to someone who didn’t understand or deserve it at all.

I’m now many years in, doing all the things I’m “supposed” to do to help my depression like healthy eating, exercising, trying to take breaks from work etc, but it just all seems so hopeless.
I don’t feel better, I don’t know what “happy” is or should be for me, i still have weekly episodes where I’m just unhappy and miserable for no reason.

Everything on paper says “you’re doing the right thing” but after all these years, I still feel completely uninterested, unenthused, often mean or flat, tired, and feeling hopeless when it comes to identifying “happiness.”

Has anyone else been in this cycle? The “everything checks out but you’re still a miserable turd” cycle?

Please be nice.