Jesus Disgusted as His Loudest Supporters Put Their Weight Behind Hateful Politicians With Zero Shame

HEAVEN — Sources close to the Trinity report that Jesus Christ, Son of God and long-time advocate for the poor, marginalized, and outcast, is "absolutely appalled" as millions of his loudest earthly followers continue to throw unwavering support behind hateful, greedy, and openly cruel political figures—many of whom seem to have never read past Leviticus.

"These people slap my name on hats, flags, rifles, and campaign buses," Christ sighed during a rare public appearance at Heaven’s press briefing cloud. "But when I said ‘love your neighbor,’ I didn’t mean ‘unless they're undocumented, queer, or vote differently than you.’”

Jesus, who once flipped tables over temple corruption, expressed particular irritation at the modern religious right’s cozy embrace of politicians who cut food aid, bomb civilians, and mock the vulnerable on national television, all while posing for Easter photos with Bibles they’ve clearly never opened.

"They chant my name like a sports team," Jesus said. "Then endorse men who lie, cheat, exploit, and somehow convince people I’m on their side because they once said ‘God’ in a speech between tax breaks and thinly veiled racism."

He noted one recent rally where a candidate led a prayer asking for divine assistance in “crushing the socialist, immigrant-loving antichrist agenda,” prompting Jesus to mutter, “Yeah that’s literally me, bro.”

Heavenly officials confirmed Jesus had to take a brief walk across the Sea of Tranquility to "cool off" after watching a televangelist scream that feeding the hungry was "leftist propaganda."

Meanwhile, the Apostle Peter was seen compiling a list of supporters who might be surprised by their final destination. “Lot of folks in for a shock,” he whispered. “They donated to a church food drive once, then backed a guy who said housing the homeless encourages laziness.”

Back on Earth, many of Jesus’ most vocal fans remain unfazed.

“I don’t care what that long-haired liberal hippie says,” said local churchgoer Brad Holster. “My pastor said Jesus wants us to protect freedom, own more guns, and never trust anyone who speaks Spanish.”

At press time, Jesus had turned off all American news alerts and was reportedly just “working on carpentry again to stay sane.”

Let me know if you'd like to expand this to include a parody of modern evangelical media or politicians invoking Christ in absurd ways.